The Men, the Moocher, & the Madness
by AlwaysTomorrow
Summary: It all started with two girls and an obsession with sexy, poorly-animated men...
1. Mission: HookUp

A/N: _Hi guys! This is princess-of-all-saiyins here to bring you the best story ever with my white twin, AlwaysTomorrow!_

…_No seriously. We're stupid._

_**Warnings: OOC-ness, slight racism(more so courtesy of AlwaysTomorrow, I swear!) and slightly Snapped!Canada.**_

_Princess-of-all-saiyins is italics_

AlwaysTomorrow is normal

_Let's get this started! :D_

It all started with Kenzie looking up random shit about Hetalia on Google. You know, funny pictures and all that …. Hmmmmm. Lots of yaoi. Seriously people, have you ever seen some of the crazy ass, yet totally smexy, pictures they have out there? Then something odd caught Kenzie's eye, _words! _Her natural obsessive curiosity brought her to see what the hell a bunch of words had to do with hetalia. Little did she know, reading those words would set her and her black twin on the shitiest crackfic of all time…

"ROCHELLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"_WHAT?" Rochelle said, looking at her transparent twin in annoyance._

…_Seriously guys, she's so white she's almost invisible._

_Thank God for being half-black!_

"I don't know how to say this, but I will anyway! Germany's REALLY the Holy Roman Empire!" Kenzie said, eyes wide and flailing her arms around like only a white girl can do.

"And I'm not so white I'm transparent. I just need more protein in my diet….. T_T"

"_Hippy! Anyways… DUCKFUCK THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE IS GERMANY? ….But that's only a rumor. You're STUPID!"_

"I know. BUT I HAVE PROOF THIS TIME! I found it in a _history_ book! It said AND I QUOTE, ''In the 18th century much of Europe was not yet divided into the countries we know today. What now approximates modern Germany was then the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nations...' SUCK IT!"

"…_HOLY SHIT! BUT GERMANY DOESN'T KNOW… WE MUST GET THEM TOGETHER, KENZIE! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND FILLED WITH YAOI-NESS, WE MUST FIND A WAY! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"_

"No fuck, Sherlock. This sounds like a job for….wait for it…THE AIDS FAIRY!" Kenzie then ripped off her cloths to be in, well, her underwear.

"Damn it all! Why did it have to be laundry day?"

She disappeared for a few minutes to return in a bright green bikini top and hot pink panties! Like Tinkerbell, only slutier.

"_LET'S NOT FORGET BLACKY CHAN!" Rochelle then ripped off her jeans and hoodie to reveal a black leather dress, stripper boots, and an eye mask. "Let's go, AF!" _

_Rochelle flew out the window… and landed on the grass below with a sickening crunch._

"Ouch! Why did you land on by back! Bitch!"

"_Shut up, AF! We're on a MISSION dammit!" the self-proclaimed Blacky Chan took off into the night, determined to find Italy and Germany…_

…_As well a certain Ally that she knew well and loved._

_*coughJAPANcough*_

How the hell did they get into Hetalia, you ask? That was an easy one; they called up their best friends, the United Nations. Turns out all they had to do was jump through Kenzie's computer screen (because her computers awesome like that) and it would transport them to Hetalia.

"Damn that was a tight fit! How you holdin up BC?"

"…_.Ow…." Rochelle groaned, getting up slowly. _

"_OHLOOKJAPANOHMYGEEZHE'SCUTERINPERSON!" she screamed, running up to the very bewildered nation and hugging him._

"…_Invasion of personal space!" he fretted._

"JAPAN! Me name AIDs Fairy. I come from far away place. Comprende?"

"Woman! I speek Engrish!"

"How convenient. Me and my clingy friend here are gonna make Germany and Italy gay for each other. The fate of humanity depends on it!"

"… WTF?"

"That's right. Just let it sink in."

"_You know, we're going to get so much shit for this AF. But anyways, yes, Italy and Germany are gay for each other! You wanna help us get them together, my little Asian?" Rochelle winked, making said Asian back away in fear._

"_S- sure…"_

"Stop scaring the poor little fella! Ok guys, we're gonna have to use all of our genius to make this work."

…Later that afternoon…

Germany was out doing his favorite hobby, flower gardening, with his pasta loving little friend smoking a cigarette nearby. When suddenly a war cry could be heard from all directions.

"Oh holy damn! The Jews are back for revenge again!" Germany screamed, running for the door.

"Oh no you don't, you blond god of a man!" Kenzie said. Successfully tackling the man twice her size to the ground.

"Blacky-Chan! Get the Italian!"

"But I haven't moved the entire time!" The poor guy managed before also being pinned to the ground by Rochelle.

"_Ohhh Japannnnnn! Come help me with the Italian," Rochelle said in her Southern accent, batting her eyelashes at the Asian while Italy struggled._

"_I think I'm good right here," Japan stuttered, eyes wide with terror._

"_Please let me gooooo!" Italy wailed. "Please! Please!" _

"_Not until you and Germany admit you love each other! And until Japan marries me!"_

"_JAPAN GET THE WEDDING SUIT!" Italy screamed._

"*sigh* Every time there's a cute boy around…. Anyways, Germany! Italy! When you were kids you frenched it up! So go have steamy sex!"

"…What's this chick on?" Germany stuttered, blushing slightly at the very _thought_ of making out with the sexy little Italian.

"Germany and I 'frenched it up'? Were we drunk again Germany?"

"WE DIDN'T FRENCH!"

"I beg to differ." None other than France himself said, somehow showed up.

"Where the hell did you come from?"

"My woman senses were tingling. :3"

"_Oh, sexy French man on the loose!" Rochelle cheered, releasing Italy and Japan and running over to the horny Frenchman._

_Needless to say, he got a rape face._

"_Me and Germany… frenching…" Italy said dreamily._

"_SHUT UP ITALY!"_

_While all this transpired, Japan slowly backed away towards the woods._

"Why are you here anyways France?" AIDs Fairs said to the Frenchman now using her as a human sheild against Blacky Chan.

"Eh, I like being in the middle of drama."

"I guess that makes sense. But why aren't you trying to rape me or BC?" I said, trying to get out of Frances grasp.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK IM SOME KIND OF HORNY IDIOT?"

"….. Because you are. -_-"

"I would never indulge in such lewd acts. See this do you know what this is?" he said, waving his hand in front of the girls face, "IT'S A PURITY RING! Take that bitches!"

Obviously everyone had an 0_0 face.

"Didn't see that one coming…"

"_Purity… ring? Dammit, I never have luck with the guys!"_

"_Sorry," France smirked._

_While Rochelle went into an emo corner and grew mushrooms(Ouran reference FTW!), Kenzie attempted to set the two guys up._

"_So, Italy and Germany. You two OBVIOUSLY have the hots for each other. So make out and get over yourselves!" she ordered, taking out a camera._

"_I once killed a man with his own mustache and a grape," Germany muttered, cracking his knuckles._

"…_I'm a rabid fan girl who delights in yaoi. You think I care?"_

A look of pure horror crossed Germany's face right about then.

"But whyyyyy," he complained.

"Because, dumb ass, you're the Holy. Mother fucking. Roman. Empire." Kenzie said, annoyed that the crackfic was this long and STILL had no nudity or yaoi.

"Oh….you're right. I guess I am. Must have slipped my mind." Germany said after a moment.

"WHAT THE DUCKFUCK! HOW CAN YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT?" Yeah. It's not a good idea to aggravate Kenzie.

"Eh!" Italy squeaked. Finally coming out of his shock.

"_You're Holy Rome?" Italy continued. "…BITCH! YOU LEFT ME HANGING!" he yelled, tackling the German._

"_So, France," Rochelle purred, completely ignoring the fight that was happening right in front of her, "You sure you're abstinent?"_

"_I'm sure," France assured, a distasteful look crossing his face. "Quite sure."_

"…_I can change that," she insisted, grabbing his arm. "We can have a fun time."_

"_Okay, that's it," France muttered. "I'M GAY FOR ENGLAND, DAMMIT!"_

"Oh. Was that supposed to be a secret? I figured it out like, the 4th episode." Kenzie added in, much like Rochelle, ignoring the fight.

The three continued their conversation about how obvious France was about being a homo until a loud _rrriiiiippppp_ was heard. That angry bitch, Italy had ripped off Germany's uniform sleeve.

"YESSSS! Take his pants off next! Before he comes out of it!" Kenzie said, hopping up and down like a kid getting ice cream.

"_Are you sure I can't pay you? I'm very rich, thanks to my super hero stuff," Rochelle insisted. _

"_GO ON SOMEWHERE!" France finally screamed, losing it completely and pushing her away. "I love England!"_

"_No fair," she pouted. "I'll just go find America," she whistled and wondered off as Kenzie jumped up and down and Germany and Italy still went at it._

"This is getting old! Hey lovey dovies! Stop rolling around and listen to me for a second!" Germany and Italy did indeed stop… after Italy got in one extra punch for good measure.

"Do you two remember how much you two CARED about each other? This romance must happen! I am the controller of the typing board!"

"_And me!" Rochelle piped up, dragging in a very confused Canada._

"…_What am I doing here?" he said._

"_I just love America," she gushed._

"_I'm not America," Canada sighed, rubbing his temples. This whole confusing him for America was getting annoying…_

_Of course, Rochelle ignored him. "So AF, you got the two love birds together yet?"_

"_I'm NOT AMERICA!" Canada suddenly roared. Everyone got O.o faces. "You know better than to mistake me for that idiot! Haven't you ever read Snapped!Canada fics?"_

_Rochelle's eyes took on a haunted quality. She had indeed read Snapped!Canada fics…at two in the morning… in the dark… by herself…_

_Not a very good idea._

"_I'm so sorry! Please don't eat my eyeballs or feed me 'cherry syrup!'" she cried, flinging herself to the ground. "I love you, Canada!"_

"_It's okay," Canada smiled, returning to normal. Everyone got O.o faces again._

"Um, what?" Kenzie didn't know what the hell was going on.

"Just ignore them. They Stupid." Japan said.

"Hey, where'd you go off to?" Kenzie said, surprised by his sudden appearance.

"I been standing here the entire time!" he said.

"Germany…why did you never tell me?" the Italian randomly spoke.

"It was such a shock. Being divided into so many different places. The emotional trauma must have given me memory loss. I never meant to forget you, Italy." he said. Wow, does anyone else think that sentimental Germany was hot?

"Yeah. Or you're just trying to save your ass from another beating from the weakest country known to man. :P" Kenzie successfully shattered the touching moment.

_I think you guys should kiss and make up," Rochelle insisted, hanging on to Canada's arm. _

"_Yeah, or I'll feed you cherry syrup and eyeballs…" Canada's eyes turned red for a split second._

"…_You are so cute!" Rochelle gushed, hugging him. "Anyways, yeah. Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"_

"You need help, sis." it was the truth, "But the girls right. Kiss damnit! Elephant swear!" Kenzie said.

"Italy, I don't think these crazy bitchass americans will leave untill we do what they want…." Germany said, a light pink dusting his features.

"M'kay then.!" then Italy jumped him, smashing his lips to Germany's.

"_Holy Mother of Pearl!" Rochelle's eyes bugged out of her head. "So… hot…"_

"_I have a flesh-eating bear," Canada said suddenly._

"_I wanna meet him!" Rochelle insisted. "He sounds cute!"_

"_Okay!" Canada smiled brightly, happy someone noticed him for once._

_Meanwhile, Germany and Italy were hardcore making out._

_Their shirts were even off! Needless to say, Rochelle got a nosebleed._

_Seeing this, Canada's features distorted with anger. "I will dominate the world by making my flesh-eating bears spread the Back Plague."_

"…_You are so cute!" Rochelle said yet again._

Kenzie had completely ignored the two the entire time. She was now sitting in a lawn chair redneck style, nomming on some popcorn, cheering the two on.

"_I love you Germany!"_

"_I love you too Ameri- I mean, Italy!"_

"…_.WHAT THE DUCKFUCK?" the Italian screamed, pulling out a knife. "Time to die!"_

_Meanwhile, Rochelle was pinching Canada's cheeks. "You are just adorable. I could eat you right up!"_

"_I could eat your retinas for breakfast," Canada mumbled._

"_What?"_

"_Nothing!"_

"So you two are a couple now?" Kenzie said, all up in Germany/Italy's grill.

"….Sure I guess…." they both replied.

"Great! Sign this." she said, holding out a contract.

"What the flock? What is this?" Italy said.

"Oh, just a little contract saying you two will be gay for each other for the rest of eternity…and that Italy will get m-preg in the near future. It will please me."

Germany and Italy looked at each other before reluctantly signing the contract.

"_M-preg?" Rochelle asked, a trail of blood making it's way from her nostril._

"_I once had sex with Prussia. Then I drained his body of blood and made America drink it," Canada rumbled._

_He went unnoticed._

"Ha ha ha. Blacky Chan, our work here is done! Now lets go home. I'm duckfucking tired!"

"_Alright alright. Can I bring Canada with me?" she asked, dragging along a sadistic looking Canada._

"Ummmm. Promise to keep him on a leash. He scares me." Kenzie said, obviously against the idea of a madman in her house.

"_Deal! Come on Canada!" Rochelle cheered, leashing Canada and riding off into the sunset with his flesh eating bears. They all lived happily ever after._

_Disclaimer: We do not own Hetalia. If we did… well, you see what would happen._

_So, review! Review my pants off. Review YOUR pants off! Review CANADA'S pants off!_


	2. And it Begins

Ah, world meetings. In which all the hot male countries of the world come together to (not) fight and look supa smexy! Little did any of those idiots know, someone had been secretly stalking them for months and had finally found the location of their top secret world meetings *cough*Hilary Clintons basement*cough* who said that? Anyways, shits gonna hit the ceiling fan, yall! Whatever will happen?

_At world meeting…_

It was chaos…as usual.

"Frog!" England tackled France as America watched…and laughed.

"Oh honhonhonhon, Angleterre," France laughed as he and England rolled around. "I never thought you'd want to release sexual tension _this_ way!"

America suddenly stopped laughing.

"Hey, that's MY man!" he joined the fray.

"Yes, keep fighting…" Canada laughed darkly, holding a rabies-infested Kumakitchi…Kumakutchi? Kumajuri?

Whatever, you get the drift; it was chaos…until Germany stood up…

"Would everyone just shut the fuck up!" he roared, throwing a random shoe across the room, hitting America in the face.

"OUCH! Dude, was that really necessary?" said America, clutching his (swollen) face.

"Quiet! I think I heard something…" Germany mumbled.

Fearing the possibility of having footwear thrown at them, the others complied. Sure enough a slight 'she shaw, she shaw, she shaw' could be heard.

"What the Herr?" spoke up Japan.

"What eez it?" panicked France, fearing another fan girl attack. (read 'When Fangirls Attack' by princess-of-all-saiyins)

"Eep!" Whimpered Italy, who was presently hiding under the table, trusty white flag in hand.

"It sounds like it's coming from above us-" England barley got to finish his sentence before a sawed out hole in the ceiling fell on the middle of the meeting table with a 'CRASH', scaring the still-hiding Italy shitless. No one even got the chance to get over their shock before a figure dressed entirely in black and a ski mast flipped through the hole and landed on the table in a ninja pose, saw held up like a sword.

"Oh my Gowrd! It's a ninja!" shrieked Japan.

Everyone screamed like little girls and ran to the nearest corner (passing the stairs on the way, I might add). The ninja slowly started walking towards the nations, dragging the saw behind him.

"We're all going to DIE!" sobbed Romano.

"I'm to beautiful to be minced!" if you didn't know France said that, you're an idiot. :I

"China not go down without fight!" said the eldest of the group.

Russia tried to stop him yelling something like, "Sunflower, no!" but it was to late. China had already jumped, like, ten feet in the air, big ass pot in hand.

Everyone watched in awe as China raised his pot, coming towards the attacker in slow motion. Closer, closer, closer, China was gonna beat him! … Then the ninja pulled out a gun and shot China in the head. Brain matter exploded everywhere, landing on the walls and floor. Canada giggled as Mr. Bear (I don't know his name -_-) ate some. Needless to say, everyone had a 0_0 face (minus Canada, of course).

"You've been terminated, bitch." said the ninja.

"Wait a minute?" said Italy.

"T-that voice?" said Germany.

"Eet can't be…" squeaked France.

"…" that was Canada.

"…AID's Fairy? Is that you?" Italy asked.

"Who?" said everyone not mentioned above.

The ninja pulled off the ski mask to reveal transparently pale skin, dark blue eyes, and a mane of frizzy brown hair.

"ITALY!" the girl screamed, glomping the poor Italian before he even knew what hit him, "I missed you so much! But I'm not in super hero mode right now, so you can just call me Kenzie. :D"

"Wait a minute! Why the Hell are you here?" Germany growled (guess he was angry Kenzie was still straddling his boy toy).

"It got cold at my place. So I decided to come live with all of you guys!"

All the nations took on a horrified look, except Canada.

"So where's the friend you had with you last time?" Canada asked, a sadistic gleam in his eyes.

"Hmmm? Oh her. That's her over there." Kenzie said, pointing to the dead body of China.

"Blackie Chan is China?" asked Russia.

"China's Blackie Chan?" asked Turkey (don't ask me where the Hell he came from).

"Oh, _sure_. Everyone knows Blackie Chan, but nope, not the AID's Fairy. T_T" moped Kenzie.

People continued to spout out stupid questions while Kenzie walked over to 'China' and began to wipe a crapload of makeup off the cosplayers face. Once the half-black face was revealed, silence fell over the room.

"…She's black…" said Russia.

"State the obvious, _idiot_." Kenzie replied, still upset no one remembered her. Apparently Russia didn't like being called an idiot.

"Kolkolkol. So where's the real China?" that freaky blue aura appeared around him. Kenzie didn't notice.

"He's right here!" she said, pulling out a large duffel bag. She opened it and pulled out a hog-tied China, grunting and mumbling about the heavy weight…before dropping him on his face.

Prussia came out of his self proclaimed 'awesome corner' and looked from China to Blackie Chan, then back to China.

"Amazing, they look just alike!" he exclaimed.

"What? No they don't!" yelled Kenzie.

"It's like they're twins!" said a bug-eyed America.

"…Well, I can understand _you_ thinking that, but-" Kenzie was interrupted by England.

"I've never seen such a close resemblance before…"

"Ok, fine!" Kenzie huffed, "If it weren't for the fact she's black and has a pair of tig 'ol biddies you could land a plane on she would look _exactly_ like China. -_-" Kenzie and her sarcasm went unnoticed.

While the others continued to fuss over the bodies of Blackie Chan and China, Canada walked over to Kenzie.

"So you're going to be staying with us?" he asked.

"YUP! Guess what that means?" Kenzie said in an excited voice.

Everyone stopped what they were doing to listen to the answer.

"This crackfic is officially becoming a story!" confetti started falling from the sky around Kenzie.

Everyone else, however, saw lightning flash through the window, heard a wolf howl in the distance, and somewhere in the world, they heard Justin Beiber knocking up another hoe.

"Oh shit!" they all said as Kenzie obliviously continued to dance in the confetti.


	3. Terror Christmas

**Well fuck me sideways! I actually got off my lazy ass to write something over Christmas break! IT'S A CHRISTMAS MYRICLE!**

**I should have probably given credit to princess-of-all-sayins for writing a teeny tiny bit of my last chapter…probably (she bitched at me about it T_T). So there you go sis! Happy now?**

**I don't own Hetalia…or Pringles…**

_Story start!_

It was 7:30 in the morning and Germany had just stumbled down the stairs to make himself some breakfast. No sooner had he turned on the Mr. Coffee machine then he heard a strange gurgling noise come from the living room. At first he simply dismissed the noise as his imagination…then the noise happened again, but with an 'eh ha' at the end, and a rustling noise.

"Vhat the…Italy! Have you snuck in again!" there was no answer.

Germany cautiously walked over to his silverware drawer and pulled out his pistol (why he had it there, we'll never know) and started tip-toeing into the living room. He was sure the noise had come from the couch.

Quietly, he peered over the couch to see…a crumpled up blanket? He stood to his full height and looked around the rest of the room. Empty.

"Veird." he said, lowering his gun slightly.

"Morning Germany!"

"WAAAAAAHHHHH!"

He rounded on the mysterious voice, firing every round in the gun as he did so…with his eyes closed.

He opened his eyes to a destroyed living room. There were two broken windows, several holes in the walls, and one bullet must have hit a pillow or something, because feathers were raining like fucking snow. Oh, and there was also a headlight that was barely hanging by a thin cord, occasionally shooting out safe looking sparks (sarcasm on safe looking). Kenzie was in the middle of said mess, in the fetal position on the ground. When she looked up, she was obviously pissed.

"What the _fuck_ is wrong with you? You could have just killed me you sausage sucking bitch! HOW CAN YOU TREAT YOUR GUEST LIKE THIS?" Kenzie was red in the face, spitting a bit as the chewed out the slowly recovering German.

All Germany could do the entire time was stare at the enraged girl and try to regain his normal breathing pattern. Eventually his blood pressure lowered enough for him to speak.

"W-why are you in my house?" he said, still panting slightly.

"Duh! Everyone seems to crash at your house in the series!"

"Um, series?" Kenzie ignored his question and continued.

"So I decided I would live with you. :3" she finished.

Germany just stood there and stared at her with one of those vein thingies throbbing on his temple.

_Calm down! She's just a strange little shit who nearly gave you a heart attack._ Germany thought.

"Do _I _not get a say in this?" he said through gritted teeth.

"Nope. :D" was Kenzie's only reply.

"Why you litt-"

"IS THAT COFFEE!"

While all the drama had happened, Germany's coffee had finished brewing in the kitchen, and Kenzie had gotten a big 'ol sniff of it.

"Huh? Yes, but before anything we need to discuss what just happened…" Germany would have said more, but Kenzie was already halfway to the kitchen to get her some coffee.

"Bitches don't listen." he mumbled as he slowly followed.

By the time Germany got to the kitchen about five seconds later, Kenzie had already poured herself a cup of coffee the size of her head and was happily slurping away.

"Um…" Germany said, noticing the girl was drinking the coffee plain. "Don't you want some sugar or milk or something?"

"No thank you!" Kenzie chirped innocently. "I like my coffee like I like my men. :3"

"…plain and bitter?"

"Hehe. No, silly. BLACK AND STRONG!" Kenzie shouted that last part.

Germany choked slightly on his own coffee at the girls statement.

"You okay, Germany?" Kenzie said, patting his back. "Burn your tongue?"

Germany put his head in his hand and sighed loudly.

"Yeah. Think you could pour this down the drain? Suddenly I don't feel like coffee anymore. -_-" he said. His headache only got worse as Prussia walked in to the kitchen.

"Yo West! What's up with all the noise down here? I've only ever heard screaming like this when Spain gets Romano in bed."

"Bruder! To much information!" Germany said, a deep blush covering his face.

Kenzie just scooted closer to Prussia. "Go on."

"Gah! This is to much!" Germany said, standing from the table. "I'll be in my office. If anyone needs me, please hesitate to ask for help." he stormed up the stairs to his office and slammed the door shut behind him.

"Psh. What a tight ass." Kenzie mumbled.

"Yeah. West's been trying to get his paperwork done before Christmas. But he could seriously be a little more awesome about it."

"Wait Christmas?" Kenzie said in a surprised tone. "But Christmas is, like, forever away!"

"Do you even know what month it is?" Prussia asked.

"…February?" yeah…she didn't have a clue.

"Totally un-awesome. -_-"

"What? Was I wrong?"

Prussia sighed. "Lucky for you, the awesome me knows the real date. It's actually December. And Christmas is two days away." he said in an all-knowing tone.

"…so, that means…" Kenzie started, then trailed off. She sat like that for two hours, not saying a thing. Prussia eventually left and watched some TV.

Suddenly, out of no where Kenzie screamed, "I HAVN'T STARTED MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!" in the blink of an eye, she was out of the house, wallet in hand. Prussia jumped so high at her outburst that he hit his head on the dangling light.

"Verdammt! Son as an old ass!" he screamed clutching his head once he landed.

"What was that she said?" he mumbled once he calmed down a bit.

_*several hours later*_

Kenzie walked through the door with a victorious smile on her face.

"I'm back." she hollered.

"Uuuuuug." came a pain filled reply from the living room.

Kenzie followed the moan to find Prussia looking very miserable with an ice pack on his head.

"Dear Lord, man? What the heck happened to you?" Kenzie asked.

"I was startled by someones loud voice and hit my head." Prussia said, glaring slightly. Kenzie didn't pick up on what he was hinting.

"To bad for you! Hey, can you tell me where a shovel is in this place?" Kenzie asked.

"A shovel? _Why?_" asked Prussia.

"I need to…bury something…something no-one can ever find." all humor or happiness was gone form Kenzie's voice. And her eyes had a dark aura behind them. Prussia was terrified.

"T-t-there's one in the garage! Beside the light switch!" he said, desperately trying to keep his frightened tears from spilling.

Kenzie immediately started smiling again like nothing had ever happened.

"Thank you Prussia! Oh! And don't look out the window until I come back inside." with that, she merrily skipped out of the house. Prussia just sat on the couch for a few minutes, to afraid to move, before slowly crawling over to the window and peeking outside. What he saw made his stomach lurch.

There was Kenzie dragging a body bag across the yard, occasionally looking around to make sure no-one was watching her.

"WEST!" Prussia shrieked before sprinting up the stairs to inform his brother of what he had just seen.

_*one explanation later*_

"You're absolutely _sure_ that's what you saw?" Germany asked for the hundredth time.

"West! That chicks a crazy murderer! What else would she be doing with a fucking _body bag_ and a _shovel_! She killed someone, and we'll be next if we don't do something now!" Prussia argued.

"Bruder, I'm sure there's a better explanation than homicide." Germany argued back.

"But-" the Germans went quiet when they heard the front door open then close.

"Great. Now we can settle this once and for all." Germany said. He stood and walked out of his office, closely followed by Prussia.

The two brothers made it halfway down the stairs before stopping dead in their tracks. There stood Kenzie, shovel in hand, covered from head to toe in dirt, and looking like a super crazy mad woman.

They just stood there, watching, before slowly walking back up the stair and locking themselves in Germanys office.

"I TOLD YOU!" Prussia scream-whispered.

"Just calm down! I'll call the police!" Germany picked up the phone and was just starting to dial the first number when the lights in the room flickered, and eventually went out altogether.

"What's going on!" mumbled a terrified Prussia.

"I-I'm not sure, but I think-"

A loud banging came from the door followed by Kenzie's voice.

"Hey, guys. The power just went dead. Will you two come out and show me where some candles are or something."

"Don't do it!" Prussia whispered to Germany, "The power won't be the only thing to die if we go out there to her!"

"Well it's not exactly like we can just _ignore_ her." replied Germany. "Besides, while she's lighting candles, we can make a run for it."

Prussia's eyes went wide with understanding. "Got it! We're commin chick."

The Germans stuck to their plan and showed Kenzie where the candles were so she could light the house, all the while secretly stepping closer to the door.

"Hmmm. I think bruder and I should step outside for some fresh- NOW PRUSSIA, NOW!" Germany yelled as the two sprinter the remaining two steps to the door, fiddling with the doorknob.

"Hey, I wouldn't do that if I were-" Kenzie never got to finish her sentence because the men were able to open the door, only to be buried in an avalanche of snow.

"Vhat the hell!" yelled Germany, as he finally managed to dig himself out of the snow.

"We got snowed in." stated Kenzie.

"I can see that." said Prussia, who's head had just popped out of the snow.

"Well, guess this means we're all stuck inside the next few days." said Kenzie.

Both Germans took on 0_X faces.

And so, the next two days flew bye with the nations avoiding the human as if she were Mel Gibson.

_*Christmas day*_

"I can't do it anymore, West." Prussia panted. "This house is just too small to keep her from finding us."

"Prussia, we can't be talking like tha-" suddenly, the door to the room came crashing down. Both men gave a startled scream. A wide-eyed Kenzie came running into the room.

"Have to get out! Have to get out! Need to dig it up!" she mumbled.

"SHE'S LOST IT!" Prussia yelled.

"I-I-I!" Kenzie fell to the floor, sobbing like an Italy without pasta. Germany and Prussia would have ran for it if she weren't still in the doorway. "I'm so sorry." Kenzie mumbled the last part.

Germany and Prussia gave each other confused looks, before Germany spoke up.

"Why'd you do it, McKenzie?" he asked.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" she snapped before continuing. "I-I didn't mean to. And I figured no one would look for presents und-"

"PRESENTS?" both men screamed, thoroughly confused. Kenzie wiped her eyes.

"Y-yeah." she sniffed before continuing. "I figured you two would never look for them underground. So I buried them. But now…I-I-I…I FORGOT WHERE I BURIED THEM!" she promptly broke down into tears again.

"Buried presents? '-_-" Germans asked, more to himself than to the hysterical Kenzie.

"Like a squirrel? '-_-" Prussia asked later.

The two men looked at each other. After a few minutes neither of them could keep a strait face anymore and burst out laughing (yes, Germany laughed too). Kenzie just looked at them like they were crazy.

"W-what's so funny?" she managed to ask. "Aren't you guys angry that I lost your stuff?"

"I'm sure we'll be able to get over it…though I do expect you to dig that stuff out of my yard once the snow melts." Germany said.

"Yeah. What West said." Prussia added.

"Okay then."

Later that the day, the snow melted enough for everyone to get out of the house and go eat Chinese food.

The end!

**Merry Christmas everyone! And a happy new year. REVIEW PLEASE! C:**


	4. Old Faces and Unexpected Suprises

**This chapter was a total pain in the ass. Princess-of-all-saiyins, you had better appreciate this. -_-**

*_story start_*

"Ok. Just stay quiet, sit still, and keep your hands to yourself." Germany repeated for the millionth time that afternoon.

"Why do you keep telling _me_ this? -_-" Kenzie asked, then looked over to Prussia, who was sitting next to her in the back of the car. "HE'S the much more likely rapist." Prussia didn't say anything to this.

"Yes," Germany sighed, "that goes for _both_ of you."

"So what's this meeting about anyways." Prussia asked, obviously bored.

"That's classified information!" Germany snapped. "And vhat does it matter to you anyways? You're both going to be waiting in the lobby until I'm through."

"What?" Kenzie and Prussia yelled.

"That doesn't sound awesome at all! ." Prussia whined.

"To bad." was all Germany had to say.

"But I don't wanna sit in a lobby. T_T" Kenzie moaned.

"Yeah West. My awesomeness needs to be shared with the world." Prussia added in.

"I don't give a rats ass about vhat either of you two vant!" Germany finally snapped, tired of listening to the two bitch. "You're both going to sit in the Gott verdammt lobby and you're going to ENJOY IT!"

"Pain in the ass…" Kenzie mumbled to herself.

"Vhat vas that?" Germany snapped in his commander voice.

"Nothing, Sir!" Kenzie cowered.

"Good." Kenzie and Prussia were to afraid to speak after that.

A few minutes later the car came to a stop, signaling the trio had reached their destination. They all entered the meeting building.

"This is vhere I'll be leaving you both." Germany said, pointing to a few uncomfortable looking plastic chairs. "So _vhat _vill you two do vhile I'm gone?"

Prussia scoffed, "Be loud/obnoxious, move nonstop, and grope everyone within ten feet of those ugly-ass chairs." He was silenced by a punch to the face that left him unconscious (courtesy of a certain German). Germany then turned to Kenzie, waiting for an answer from her. She took a quick look at the unconscious Prussian and gulped.

"Oh, ummm! Nothing! I'm going to sit here and do nothing and be really REALLY boring! Hehe! 0_0" she quickly said. That was a good enough answer for Germany, who turned and walked off to the meeting room. Kenzie just stood there, not entirely sure what to do.

"Excuse me, miss." came an uptight, rude voice. Kenzie turned to see a slim blond woman that looked to be in her late 30s, wearing a formal business skirt and blouse, glaring behind her glasses at her.

"…Me?" said Kenzie, confused as to why everyone seemed to want to snap at her that day.

" Yes, you." the stranger scowled. "Do you mind getting your boyfriend out of the middle of the hallway. _Some people_ would like to get bye." she finished, pointing at the Prussian.

"Him? He's not my-…wait a minute," Kenzie looked around the room, "what do you mean _'some people'_? We're the only ones here."

"Mam, try to control your temper." the stranger said in a weary tone.

"Temper? But I was just pointing out the fact the we're the only ones-"

"Miss, I'll call the police for backup!" the lady threatened.

"But I'm not doing anything-" at that moment the lady pulled out a can of pepper spray and aimed it for Kenzie's head.

"I'll give you one more chance, Mam! If you don't calm down this instant, I'll pepper spray you!"

Kenzie held up her hands in defense. "Whoa, chick! Just calm down! I haven't even done anything- *spray* WAHHHHHHH!" Kenzie screamed, attempting to rub the pepper spray out of her eyes (and failing). The woman was meanwhile talking through a walkie talkie.

"This is Lutenent S. S. Spicy-sauce, requesting backup at World Meeting place! Hurry, this girls dangerous!"

_*Meanwhile in the meeting room*_

"Did someone just say something about sauce?" France asked, oblivious to the ciaos going on outside.

"Shut up, Frog." England said, thinking France was just being a bloody wanker (I don't know what that means, but it sounds England-ish).

"This-a meeting on our-a countries economics is just about over anyways." cheered Italy.

"Yup! All that's left if for me to explain why all you dudes need to give me money to bail me out of this lame depression and we can all go-" Germany cut off America.

"Shhhh!" he was quiet for a few seconds. "I think I heard something."

All the nations listened and sure enough a slight '_she shaw she shaw she_' could be heard.

"W-what is that!" whisper-screamed England.

"Where's it coming from!" panicked America.

"Eep!" Italy hid under the table.

"Anyone else getting a sense of 'de ja vous'?" France asked, before a sawed out hole from the ceiling came crashing down on the meeting table, scaring the still-hiding Italy shitless.

A second later, none other that Blackie Chan came flipping through the hole, landing on the table. When she looked up there was a murderous gleam in her eyes.

"WHERE'S THAT TRIGGER HAPPY BITCH!" she screamed.

Everyone in the room immediately looked towards Switzerland, who had a 'who me?' look on his face.

"No no no! I mean that bitch, the AID's Fairy." she corrected.

"You mean Kenzie?" asked England.

"Ken- DAMNIT KENZ! We weren't supposed to tell everyone our names!" she yelled, banging her head against the wall. "That's why we came up with our hero names in the first place! Now I'm REALLY gonna kill you!"

"Kill her? 0_0" France asked.

"Don't give me that typed face! She had it coming. NOW WHERE IS SHE!"

All the nations were to afraid to speak. Eventually America (being the hero he was) managed to point a shaky finger towards the door leading to the lobby where Kenzie and Prussia were supposed to be waiting.

Blackie Chan hurled to heavy door open before anyone even saw her cross the room.

"Now, dear sister, it's time to pay- da fuck?" Blackie Chan would have gone on, but she was faced with a sight that left her speechless.

Prussia was still laying in the floor unconscious (only now he was wearing a pink frilly dress for some reason), papers were flying everywhere, red lights were flashing, SWAT officers were running around chasing chickens that had machine guns and grenades. And in the middle of it all, Kenzie was tied to a stick, roasting over a roaring fire, attempting to blow it out.

Blackie Chan gasped "Kenzie!"

Kenzie momentarily stopped her blowing "ROCHELLE! The chickens tied me up! They wanna eat me!"

"Aw, HELL no!" Rochelle yelled, taking out her ear rings. "No cannibalistic chickens going to eat MY white twin!" out of nowhere a wok and ladle (like China's) appeared in her hands. A second later she had joined into the fray.

Back in the meeting room France said, "Didn't she want to kill Kenzie ten seconds ago?" All the other nations just shrugged.

"HIIIIIIIII YA!" Rochelle screamed as she knocked another chicken and SWAT officer out of a window.

"Go Rochelle!" Kenzie cheered, still roasting over the fire.

"That's Blackie Chan to you!" Rochelle yelled, knocking an officer into a wall with a sickening crunch.

"Yeah! Hit 'em with your pot again!" Kenzie cheered, starting to get delirious form the heat.

"IT'S *punch chicken in face* A *knees officer in groin* WOK *gives chicken a wet willy* YOU *gives officer Indian sunburn* IDIOT!" Rochelle then punched the ground so hard that it rippled out around her, and burying everyone within 20 feet of her.

"And THAT'S how you do it." Rochelle finished with a victorious smile on her face…until she noticed Kenzie was still burning alive. "Gah! Kenzie!" she finally sprinted over to help her friend before she turned into a human shish kabob.

Rochelle said in a teary voice, "I'M SORRY FOR NOT HELPING YOU SOONER!" tears started leaking from her eyes.

"I'M SORRY FOR SHOOTING YOU IN THE FACE!" Kenzie sobbed.

"YOU SHOULD BE!"

At that moment the two did an epic friendship hug, consisting mostly of snot and tears.

"Gross." Japan deadpanned. The others nodded.

"So this means another annoying persons going to be mooching at my house?" asked Germany, the two girls were still too caught up in their forgiveness moment to hear him.

"…I'll take that as a yes.-_-" he said.

Later that night at Germany's house, Kenzie, Rochelle, and Germany were all sitting around watching movies and eating popcorn.

"Today was fun." stated Kenzie. "Hey Rochelle, how'd you come back to life anyways?"

"Anything's possible with the internet." Rochelle answered, patting Kenzie on the head like a three year old.

"I'm not sure vhat that means," Germany stated, "but I'm glad this whole ordeals over with."

"But don't you kind of feel like we're forgetting something?" Kenzie asked. All of them got a distant look in their eyes.

*_meanwhile, at the destroyed meeting building*_

"Ah! My head!" Prussia groaned, finally wakening up, only to find the destroyed building and him wearing a dress.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE!"

**Well, there ya have it. Rochelle's alive again, Prussia's clueless, and there were cannibalistic chickens that had a taste for human flesh. Hope you enjoyed it. **

**Now, review people! Review my pants off! Review **_**your**_** pants off! Hell, throw in a bra! Tell me what you think. XD**


	5. Russia's Horror House I

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed! My review box was starting to get suicide thoughts because of loneliness. Enjoy the story! :D**

_*story start*_

"Why the hell is it so HOT in here?" griped Rochelle.

It had been about a week since she had come back, and Germany was going out of his mind because of her constant nagging. He got so fed up that he refused to even come out of his office. Even when Kenzie tried to tempt him out with her cooking (which was usually burnt beyond recognition).

"C'mon, Roch. I think it feels wonderful in here!" said Kenzie, who apparently loved warm weather.

"Shut up, you! Who in their right mind doesn't turn on the AC in 90 mother fucking degrees weather!" Rochelle snapped.

"…Have you been hanging out with Romano recently or something? :I" Kenzie said, noticing Rochelle was cussing even more than usual.

"FUCK YOU!"

"…Is that a yes?"

Rochelle growled under her breath, peeling herself from the countertop she had been slumping over to glare at her idiot friend, leaving a HUGE sweat puddle behind.

Kenzie started snickering, not realizing the danger that came with angering Rochelle.

"Hehehehehe! You're sweating like a hoe in church!" Kenzie went back to snickering.

"I said SHUT UP!"

Rochelle lunged for Kenzie, easily picking the smaller girl up, then threw her out a window…lucky for Kenzie, they were on the first floor.

Germany walked into the room, just missing the display of violence Rochelle had caused.

"Vhat vas all that noise I just heard?" Germany said, even though he had a feeling he probably wouldn't want to know.

"You!" Rochelle rounded on the helpless German. "What's with it being so hot? Turn on the AC! Now! Before I get angry!" she was red in the face, and looked ready to rip someone apart.

"Vhat? No!" Germany had no idea what he was setting himself up for. "The air conditioner is harmful to the environment and cost more money than its vorth. Just open more vindovs, or something!" he finished.

Around that time, Kenzie came stumbling back into the house.

"No! No windows!" the girl was a mess. She had dirt and grass stains all over her cloths, and there were a ton of leaves tangled in her hair.

"Holy-! Vhat happened to you?" said Germany.

"She," Kenzie pointed to Rochelle, "threw me out a window! It's a good thing all those ugly flowers broke my fall or who know what would have happened to me!"

"Ugly flowers?" Rochelle asked no one in particular.

"MY PETUNA'S!" Germany was seriously spazing out, guess the girls finally drove him to his breaking point.

"You two! Out! Now!" with that said, Germany swiftly picked the two girls up and threw them out of his house, slamming the door behind him.

Rochelle and Kenzie just sat there a few minutes, in shock.

"Kenzie?"

"Huh?"

"Did he-…were we just _kicked out_?"

"I…think so."

"Do you know what this means?"

"…I'll never be able to take naked picture of Germany in the shower when he's not looking. T_T"

Rochelle looked at Kenzie with an -_- face for a few minutes before smacking her upside the head.

"OUCH!"

"No, idiot! It means we need to find a new place to crash, or we'll be sleeping on the streets!"

Kenzie gasped, "But there are sketchy people living on the streets! What if someone gets high on bath salts, then eats us?" the brunet was starting to panic.

"Just stay calm! I've got a plan!" Rochelle attempted to calm Kenzie down.

"A plan? What plan?"

"Ok, so the two of us split up, got it? I'll go ask all the hot male nations if we can crash at their places, and you can go and look for a house we could rent in case all those bitches say no. How's that sound?" Rochelle elaborated.

"I have a feeling I'm getting the short end of the stick on this, but ok. I'll go look at houses while you flirt with the nations. I'm sure I won't end up getting into some sort of shenanigan and need rescuing." Kenzie huffed.

"Damn strait! Call me if you find a good place to stay."

Rochelle started walking away when Kenzie shrieked "WAIT!" nearly giving Rochelle a heart attack in the process.

"What! What the hells wrong!" Rochelle turned, expecting to see Kenzie being molested by a long haired blond, with beard stubbles on his chin…or maybe France.

Kenzie held out her fist.

"Goodbye fist pump?" she said with a happy smile.

Needless to say, Rochelle was kind of pissed. Ragefull smoke was starting to come out of her ears.

"…You're joking. -_-" she said through gritted teeth.

"Nope! :D"

Rochelle reluctantly did the fist pump (with twice as much force as necessary), mumbling the entire time about 'the idiots she puts up with in her life'.

"See you soon!" with that said, Kenzie ran off, leaving nothing but a trail of smoke behind her.

Rochelle sighed. "That idiot. Time to find a certain Prussian stud muffin!" she walked off in a much happier mood, a slight skip in her step.

_*about 10 minutes later*_

Rochelle was creeping in the bushes around Germany's house looking for the Prussia. In the back of her mind, she knew it was probably a bad idea to secretly live in the basement of the house she had been kicked out of, with two other people…but why pass up a chance to flirt with the albino?

She saw a window that looked like it went into the basement. Naturally, she started banging on it as loud as she could, completely forgetting Germany was still in the house and that she was supposed to stay quiet.

"Prussia?" she whispered. "Prussssiiiiaaaaaaa?"

There was still no answer. Rochelle started to get annoyed.

"Open up, you son of an ass!" she said a bit louder, smooching her face up against the window.

"Rochelle? What are you doing?" came Prussia's voice from behind her.

Rochelle spun around so fast she nearly gave herself whiplash.

"There you a-!…Ah!…MAHHHH!" Rochelle's eyes got super huge and blood came exploding from her nose.

Prussia stood before her in nothing but an incredibly tiny, incredibly _tight_, neon blue Speedo that had 'carry my package' spelled out across the front in big, sparkly, PINK letters.

"Well, whatdaya want?" Prussia huffed. "Can't you see I'm working on my awesome tan?" after finishing his statement, he flexed, showing off his milky white (and definitely NOT tan) muscles.

Rochelle's brain couldn't take the sexiness anymore, and within seconds she was laying on the ground, passed out cold. Blood still gushing from her nose.

"Rochelle…You ok?" asked Prussia, who brought out his trusty old pocking stick to jab her in the head a few times. After a few minutes of unresponsive poking, he got bored and left….Rochelle stayed passed out on the ground.

_*Meanwhile, somewhere in Russia*_

"Wow! This looks like a neat place!" Kenzie (who was wearing a big, puffy jacket) happily said.

She stood before a black, medieval looking castle. All the snow around her feet was an unnatural grey color. Lightning flashed behind the house every four minutes, making the place look like an evil face with each flash. There was an entire flock of angry looking Russian vultures, who were eyeing Kenzie hungrily…or maybe they were watching the dead dog laying in the middle of the front yard, who knows...

All in all, the place had 'deathtrap' written all over it. There were even _signs_ that said 'turn back if you want to live' hammered in the ground. But Kenzie wasn't able to read the atmosphere...or the faded, old warnings.

"So can you give me a tour now?" Kenzie turned to see the contractor driving away like a madman, leaving poor little Kenzie all on her own.

"Huh? That was weird. He didn't even give me the key to the house." Kenzie pouted.

"May as well see if the place is unlocked. Then there might be a working phone I could use to call Rochelle for help." she then skipped up the rickety old stairs.

She turned the knob and was surprised when she heard a 'click' signaling the door was unlocked.

"What idiot leaves their door unlocked?"

She didn't ponder the question for long once she had gotten inside. She turned to close the door only to see it had closed itself.

"What the…? Oh well, guess the wind shut it…" Kenzie stripped the puffy marshmallow jacket off and started looking around the house.

_*back with Rochelle*_

After waking up alone in a pool of her own blood with Prussia no where in sight, Rochelle decided it was time to start asking the other nations to let her and Kenzie mooch off them.

At the moment, she was at the Italy twins house.

"Ve! Ve ve ve ve VE veve vE veveve ve Ve veveveveve." Italy said…again.

"For the LAST TIME! I. Don't. Understand!" Rochelle screamed.

Italy just looked at her for a second. "Ve?"

"For the love of-! Can you even say anything else?" Italy thought about her question for a second before getting a eureka look on his face.

"PASSSTTTAAAAA!"

Rochelle banged her head against the table they were sitting at. Then Romano walked in.

"Thank God! Romano, can me and Kenzie crash here for a few chapters?" Rochelle had a hopeful, puppy dog look on her face.

"Fuck damn fuck bastardo damn CHIGGGIIIII!"

Rochelle resumed her head banging from earlier.

_*back with Kenzie*_

Our little brunet friend had been searching for a phone for what seemed like hours now, only to get hopelessly lost in the maze of a house. And to make matters worse, she couldn't help but get the feeling something was _watching_ her.

"Maybe if I make a left here….no, I keep going strait…or is it right?"

She heard a rustle from behind her.

"Who's there?" Kenzie whipped around to see…nothing. Another shuffle noise came from the corner, and Kenzie thought she saw a bit of fur. Kenzie grabbed the nearest thing she could use as a weapon…which just happen to be a feather duster.

"I'm warning you! Come out, before I go AIDs Fairy on you!"

A huge shadow of something with monstrous claws and sharp looking teeth came up on the wall and started moving towards Kenzie.

Kenzie braced herself for a vicious battle. The shadow continued to get closer…and smaller? Then, out of no where, about twenty fuzzy little bunnies came hopping around the corner, stopping around Kenzie's feet.

"What the-? You guys aren't a monster at all!" one of the rabbits wiggled it's nose. "So CUTTTEEEE!"

The rabbits just sat there, acting all cute and innocent.

"Sorry guys. But I really have to find a phone or a way out of here. So I'll see you around!" Kenzie hadn't even taken two steps away when a bottle was hurled past her, barely missing her head. It shattered into a million pieces against the wall. She turned around, bug eyed, to look at the rabbits.

"Bunny rabbits?"

One of the rabbits was holding a strong looking rope and a gag ball, while another was holding a bottle of chloroform. All the rabbits were looking at Kenzie like she was the hottest piece of meat they had ever seen.

"…Bunnies? 0_0"

They started hopping closer.

"Oh shit!" Kenzie started running for her life, twenty sexually confused rabbits followed close behind her.

_* with Germany*_

Germany had been calmly doing his paper word, rejoicing in the quiet and calm, before an electric jolt went through his body.

"V-vhat vas that?" another jolt went through his body. Germany's eyes got big.

"My dumb ass in danger senses are tingling! Rochelle and Kenzie must be in trouble!"

The German grabbed his car keys and coat, and went out of the house in search of the two girls.

*_with Rochelle*_

France opened his front door and was surprised to see Rochelle nearly in tears.

"Mon ami! Why do you look so down?" he cooed.

"Hey Francy-Pants. Can I come in for a while?" she said.

"If I may ask, are you _alone_ at the moment?" France asked, looking around for Kenzie or someone else that might be a witness.

"Um, yeah." Rochelle answered. "Why?"

"Right this way, my beautiful little guest!" the Frenchman gushed.

Once the door was shut (and firmly locked), France went to the only chair in the entire room and popped a squat.

He gave Rochelle a charming smile.

"Won't you have a seat?" he said in a deep voice.

Rochelle looked around the room.

"France, there's only one chair in this room, and your ass is plopped down in it. -_-"

France gave a fake surprised face.

"Why, it seems you're right!" he 'thought' for a few minutes, "I suppose you could just sit on my lap if you want…don't want to be a bad host after all. ^3^"

"…I don't know…something about this seems fishy…" Rochelle was reluctant.

"Come now. What's odd about a teenage girl sitting in the lap of a grown man she only recently met?" he batted his eyelashes innocently.

"Well…I guess I can see the reason in that." Rochelle started walking to France, but a noise form outside caught her attention. "Am I hearing…police sirens?"

No sooner had she said that, than a loud voice could be heard from outside.

"**Francis Bonnefoy, come out with your hands up! We know what you did with those underage girls, you sick bastard**!" the voice said.

"Damn! Those coppers found me!" France cursed.

"Huh?" Rochelle was meanwhile clueless as to what was going on.

"**We have a warrant for your arrest! Your going to do hard time for your crimes, Bonnefoy!"** the voice said from outside.

France turned to Rochelle.

"Got to hide you! I can smooth talk my way out of this if you disappear! They don't call me butter lips for nothing!"

"…butter lips?" Rochelle was still trying to figure out what was going on.

France pulled a lever that magically appeared out of thin air, releasing a trap door Rochelle had been standing on.

"WAHHHHH!"

There was no trace of Rochelle's visit left.

"Honhonhon! Butter lips gets away again!" France chuckled.

*_with Kenzie and the woodland creatures*_

Kenzie huffed as she tried to close the door the sexually confused rabbits were pushing against.

"I'M NOT READY FOR A COMMITED REALTIONSHIP!" she screamed through the door. The rabbits only pushed harder. Those adorable little shits were going to force their way into the room if she didn't close the door quick.

"Ah! Err! Um! Look! It's Mr. McGregory! He'll bake you into pies if you don't run away!"

The rabbits stopped for a few seconds to look around, but Kenzie quickly slammed the door in their fuzzy little faces.

"Haha! Suck it, rabbits!" she yelled through the door. The rabbits started scrapping at the door.

"Good luck finding me once you dig through the door, suckers!" then Kenzie ran off.

After a good fifteen minutes of nonstop running, she figured she was safe…until she saw her surroundings.

Now, she stood in what looked like a cave. It was too dark for her to really tell or not. And if she listened carefully, she heard something like deep breathing.

After her experience with the rabbits, Kenzie wasn't about to call out to whatever was in this place. But apparently it didn't make a difference, since she had already been spotted.

Kenzie gasped when she saw a pair of glowing red eyes staring at her from a corner.

"EEP!"

A seven foot tall minotaur stood before her, looking at her with pure hate.

"…O_O…" Kenzie was speechless.

"MMMOOOOOOOO!" the minotaur charged for her.

Kenzie screamed like she was being murdered and ran away.

_*somewhere…*_

Rochelle came flying out of a pipe and onto the middle of a street somewhere in England.

"Damn French bastard!" she mumbles, trying not to wince at all the bruises she had acquired on the bumpy ride (that's what she said!).

"May as well go see England next."

It took Rochelle about half an hour to find the Brits house. Once she was up to the door, she started banging so loud she wouldn't be surprised if Russia was able to hear her from his place.

An annoyed looking England answered the door, took one look at Rochelle, and slammed the door in her face.

"C'mon England! Open up! It's because I'm black, ISN'T IT!" she bitched.

England reopened the door, but not enough for Rochelle to slip in.

"No. It's because the only thing I do in these crackfics is fight with America and France!" he griped.

"…but that's all you DO do. -_-"

"No! I want to have more parts in these things!"

"Ok, ok. I'll tell you what, if you let me and Kenzie stay here for a while, I'll force AlwaysTomorrow to give you a big part once 'Russian Horror House' is over with. How's that?"

England sighed in defeat.

"I suppose that would be ok. But I expect you to eat all my cooking-"

"I'm out!" Rochelle ran for the nearest nation she knew…which just so happen to be Russia.

_*back with Kenzie and minotaur*_

"FUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!" Kenzie shrieked as she went flying down the giant waterslide.

"MOOOOOOOO!"

Oh, and the minotaur was on the waterslide only feet behind her.

"How did I even get on this thing?" Kenzie screamed to herself. She started desperately flailing around trying to get further ahead of the minotaur…surprisingly, this actually worked.

Kenzie came splashing into an Olympic sized pool at the end of the slide, and did an insanely fast doggy paddle to the side of the pool to get out.

No sooner had she scampered out of the pool, than the minotaur came crashing into the water. Sparks went flying as the minotaur tried to get out of the water. The fur on its face melted away to reveal a shiny metal undercoat. Kenzie was at a loss for words.

"It's a _robot_!" she said breathlessly.

The robotic minotaur was still attempting to get to Kenzie.

"Ah! Gotta go!" she yelled before sprinting off.

*_at Russia's house*_

Rochelle was exhausted. Finding a place to stay had been harder than she had thought. The only close nations left were Russia and China. And China still hadn't forgiven her for abducting and cosplaying as him that one time (read second chapter).

She was just lifting her hand to knock on the door, but Russia opened it before she ever got the chance.

"Hello Rochelle." he said, signature smile on his face.

"Hi Russia…I was wondering if I could ask you a favor…"she said.

Russia smiled a bit wider.

"You and Kenzie need a place to stay, da?"

"Yeah! How'd you know that?"

"I have tiny microphones set up in all the nations houses. :3" he said.

"…That's not creepy at all. Thanks for letting us stay, though!" Rochelle didn't notice the crazed look that took over the Russians features.

"Why don't we talk about pay now?" he said.

"Pay? I don't got no money!" Rochelle huffed.

"Kolkolkolkol." the Russian laughed. "Then you and Kenzie will just have to pay me with something else."

"…dancing for your entertainment?" Rochelle said, clueless.

"Hmmmm," Russia said. "more like become once with Russia. All day, every day, da? I'll switch between you and Kenzie whenever you pass out from dehydration."

"Become one-, NO!" Rochelle yelled.

"Do you have any other options."

"Well…no."

"Then become one with Russia."

Rochelle thought about this for a few minutes.

"It's not like _I_ couldn't handle this. But Kenzie has no stamina. She'd be dead before you even took your pants off."

"I could give her an energy bar, da? ^J^" Russia said.

Rochelle didn't get the chance to make a snappy comeback, because at that very minute, Germany broke down Russia's door.

"Rochelle! Thank Gott, you're alright!" he frantically looked around. "Vhere's Kenzie?"

Rochelle just stood there, wondering what had Germany tied up in such a knot.

"Kenz? She went house hunting earlier today. Why?"

"SHE'S IN DANGER! The dumb ass in danger senses are tingling!" Germany yelled.

"Dumb ass in-" Germany cut Rochelle off.

"You'd have them too if you put up vith Italy as long as I have. -_-"

Rochelle's eyes got big.

"Holy shit! Then Kenzie MUST be in trouble!" Rochelle was freaking out until her phone started ringing. She quickly flipped it out and turned it on speaker so everyone could hear.

"Kenzie! Are you alright!" Rochelle yelled at the phone.

"_Minotaur! Rabbits! Waterslide! Forgot I had my cell phone! HELP!" _static came, signaling Kenzie had been cut off from them.

"Kenzie? Kenzie?" Germany yelled.

"We've lost her! We have to help her!" Rochelle screamed.

"How? We don't even know where she is!" Germany argued.

Russia was sitting with a look of wonder on his face while the two were fighting.

"Actually, it sounded like she was in my old summer home." Russia commented.

"WHAT?" Rochelle and Germany screamed at the same time.

"Da. She could be in real trouble!" Russia started to see the severity of the situation.

"What do you mean, 'trouble'?" Rochelle asked.

*_with Kenzie*_

Kenzie ran up to another door and opened it, hoping it was a way out.

"AHHHHH!" she screamed, as she was buried alive by a mountain of Tickle-Me-Elmo's.

*_with the others*_

Germany and Rochelle's eyes were as big as plates.

"Oh no! We have to get her out of there!" Rochelle said in a worried voice.

"If you thought the Elmo's were bad, you haven't seen anything yet." even Russia was starting to feel worried for Kenzie.

Germany pulled out his phone.

"I'm calling everyone for backup! Ve'll get Kenzie out of this place!"

"Poor Kenzie!" Rochelle sobbed.

**Dear lord! My arms are killing me after all this writing! *gasp* Whatever will happen to our lovable little Kenzie? If anyone has something they want to happen, please message me. I'm always open to peoples ideas.**

**And PLEASE FOR ALL THAT IS WONDERFUL, review. Kenzie might just die if you don't. *threatening look***


	6. Russia's Horror House II

**Hehehe! Hi everyone! Hope you enjoy the new chapter! **

**Special thanks to princess-of-all-sayins and Em-Chan (sorry Em-Chan, I cant spell your user name T_T). And an even super specialer thanks to everybody who reviewed my story! I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

*_story start*_

"So we all know the situation at the moment, right?" asked Germany. "Kenzie has gotten herself stuck in Russia's summer home and is in desperate need of assistance." he answered his own question.

"Why on earth is she in this house again?" asked England.

"This is _Kenzie_ we're talking about here." butted in Rochelle, who wanted a line in this conversation. "She probably thought she saw something shiny inside and just _had_ to have it. -_-" she had been worried about her friend before, but now she was pissed that she had to save Kenzie in yet another chapter.

"Well we aren't helping her by sitting around talking!" America yelled, then turned to Russia. "Yo! Russia! Where is this place, man?" he asked.

Russia gave America a confused look.

"I don't know." he answered.

"WHAT?" everyone in the room screamed.

"But it's _your_ house-aru! How do you mot know where it is-aru!" China yelled in exasperation.

"Don't worry guys! I've already found this place on my I-phone." said Canada…he went unnoticed.

"We wirr find Kenzie!" Japan said, a look of determination on his face.

"Yeah! We'll search every house in Russia if we have to!" said Switzerland, who was at the meeting for some reason (yay for Switzerland part).

"But I said I've already-" Canada began, but everyone was already running out of the house and cramming into the pasta mobile Italy had brought with him. No one realized they left Canada behind (Canada's so abused XD).

_*with Kenzie*_

Kenzie was eating some sort of fancy dinner in a big, yellow ball gown with the Beast (from Beauty and the Beast) sitting across from her.

"So…" Kenzie said, trying to make small talk. "Ever heard of a razor?"

Yeah. She wasn't that good at casual conversations.

The Beast stood up and walked over to Kenzie, extending his hand (paw?) so they could dance…Kenzie slapped his hand away like it had some sort of disease.

"Hands off, Fluffy! I don't dance!"

The Beast growled before grabbing Kenzie's shoulders and swinging her around the ballroom so hard her feet weren't even touching the floor.

"OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! IM GONNA THROW UPPPPP!" a slightly green Kenzie screamed…the Beast never even slowed down.

Then the door to the ballroom came crashing down. Where the door once stood, was the (now shiny) robotic minotaur.

Kenzie face: (0_0)"

The Beast dropped Kenzie on her ass and roared at the minotaur. In turn, the minotaur blew smoke out of its nose. After a dramatic stare-down where a tumble weed blew past them, the two charged each other.

Kenzie took the opportunity to sneak into the bathroom to hide.

_*with everyone else*_

"What does this place look like?" France asked.

"If I remember correctly, the entryway to Hell." answered Russia.

"Do you have a generar idea about where it is?" asked Japan.

"…no…" Russia was getting tired of answering all the questions.

Everyone groaned for the millionth time day. Then America suddenly screamed out.

"STOPPPPP!"

The car went to a screeching halt, leaving smoke behind because of the friction. England hit his head on the steering wheel, Rochelle rammed her shoulder into the window, and everyone that had been sitting in the back seat was hurled to the front of the car (on top of Rochelle and England). Needless to say, everyone was distorted and in a great deal of pain.

America had jumped out of the car before it had even come to a complete stop.

"What the Herr?" mumbled Japan, who couldn't breath properly because China had landed on top of him (and we all know China is heavy).

"Ah! My shoulder!" Rochelle screamed. "I-I think it's broken!"

"It doesn't even look bruised to me." said Russia, who was in an awkward pretzel position about two inches from Rochelle's shoulder.

"Shudup Ivan. -_-" Rochelle said in a threatening voice.

"You still conscious, Angletere?" asked France.

He never got a response because England had gotten a concussion.

"I guess that's a no…" France mumbled to himself.

While everyone was detangling themselves, America came skipping back into the car like a happy-go-lucky schoolgirl; McDonalds bag in hand.

"America?" Rochelle said, a look of pure rage on her face.

"Hmmm?" America got out between mouthfuls of his Big Mac.

"Tell me you didn't nearly kill all of us because you had the munchies-aru!" China screamed.

America stopped eating (it's a miracle!) long enough to answer the question.

"Well, actually I had to take a leak _**really bad**_. There just happen to be a McDonalds next to the gas station. :3"

"What the bloody hell, idiot!" England didn't have his concussion anymore…

"You're telling me you nearly killed us 'cause you had to take a piss! You ARE an idiot!" Rochelle agreed with England. "I'd kill you if you weren't the personification of my country!"

"Well that was kind of harsh. :I" mumbled America.

"KIND OF HARSH-ARU!" screamed China.

Russia was meanwhile glairing daggers at America, while still trying to get out of his pretzel position…he wasn't doing very well…

Italy realized America was going to get his ass kicked if he didn't do something to relieve the tension.

"Oh! Um! I like pasta!" he suddenly screamed. It didn't make matters any better, but it did distract everyone long enough for Italy to start talking reason.

"C'mon guys! We have to save Kenzie, remember? Let's go save her then go home so AlwaysTomorrow can start on the Valentines Day special. What do you say?" Italy said.

If it weren't for the fact that what Italy had said made sense, everyone would have had an epic death match then and there.

"Fine." everyone grumbled.

"Alright! Back to saving Kenzie!" Italy sang.

*_with Kenzie*_

"This is the creepiest bathroom I've ever seen." Kenzie said to herself.

She was now walking down the Chamber of Secrets after finding a sink-door in the _real_ bathroom upstairs.

"Holy shit! Is that blood?" she screamed, and her eye caught a bit of red. She walked closer to the color.

_The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir, beware._

"Da fuck?"

Kenzie reached out and ran her finger over the 'blood' then licked the red substance off her finger.

"Nommy! It's ketchup! :D" she said, ready to lick the rest of the ketchup off the wall.

Then a slithering noise could me heard.

"Huh? That sounded like a giant blind snake! Screw this place, with it's ketchup warnings! I'm leaving this shit to a four eyed 12 year old!"

She ran away before the snake found her.

*_with everyone else*_

Our favorite hero's were huddled in a small bar in the middle of Antarctica, with a vicious snow storm howling outside.

"This looks familiar." said Russia.

"It would look familiar, dumbass. There's nothing around here but snow." Rochelle mumbled, making sure the Russian couldn't hear what she was saying.

"We aren't even _in_ Russia anymore." said England. "Isn't your summer home somewhere in your country?"

"Hmmm, I guess that would make sense." said Russia.

"So it's back to Russia, then?" asked France.

"Yup." said America.

Everyone started shuffling back out to the car.

"Wait a minute, guys!" yelled Italy.

"Huh?" everyone turned towards the Italian.

There stood Italy, holding a big, fluffy penguin.

"Can I keep it?"

"Nein." Germany answered.

"Please?"

"Nein."

"Please?"

"Nein. -_-"

"PLEASE?"

"For the love of-, no Italy. You can't bring the penguin with you." England spoke up.

"B-but we've already BONDED! I even named him! Reginald wants to live with me!" Italy sobbed.

"Reginald? You named the penguin _Reginald?_" asked France.

"Yes?" Italy said.

"Ita gets a penguin? Can I get one too!" America spoke up.

"NO!" everyone screamed.

"Just let him bring it with him!" Rochelle snapped. "I'm getting cold!" no one was able to argue with that kind of logic. So Reginald the penguin ended up going back to Russia with the rest of the gang.

*_with Kenzie*_

The poor girl was literally dragging herself through the mansion at this point.

"O-oh man! What sort of cruel torture is this place going to put me through next?"

Just about then, Kenzie spotted a pink box with a note on top of it.

"What be this?" Kenzie walked up to the mysterious box.

She ignored the note to examine to box. Turns out, it was a fifteen piece Disney Princess puzzle, with a picture of a smiling three year old on the front.

"Huh?" then Kenzie picked up the note that had fallen to the ground.

_Dear Kenzie,_

_I'm getting tired of watching you run around like a chicken with its head cut of and hearing you scream (and cuss) every 5 minutes. So I've decided to give you this one chance to free yourself from my clutches. If you can put this fifteen piece Disney Princess puzzle for children of ages two and up together, then I'll let you go. And if you somehow manage to screw this one up, then you're on your own…_

_sincerely,_

_Russia's Summer House_

Kenzie just stood there for a few minutes, letting the words sink in.

"Pshhh!" she scoffed. "This'll be a piece of cake! Freedom, here I come!"

*seven hours later*

Kenzie was sobbing on the floor, the unmade puzzle pieces scattered around her; mocking her. She desperately tried to force two pieces to fit together…it wasn't happening.

"W-w-why's this so HARD!" she blubbered, before glaring at the puzzle box.

"Ages two and up my ass! This thing's impossible!"

Kenzie got up and stormed out of the room.

*_with everyone else*_

"SQUAK!" Reginald squawked for the 984,573rd time since they had started driving.

"Will you _please_ get that thing to shut the hell up!" Germany snapped at Italy.

"Yes sir, Mr. Germany sir!" Italy saluted. "Bad Reginald! Be quiet!" he 'scolded'.

"SQUAKKKKKK!" Reginald threw his body against the pasta mobiles window, shattering it, and landed on the road.

"REGINALD NOOOO!" screamed Italy, who jumped out of the window after his beloved penguin.

"BWAAAA!" everyone screamed. The care came to a screeching halt…again (luckily, everyone was wearing their seat belts this time). The group ran out of the car and towards the two figures lying on the road.

"Itary! Are you okay?" Japan yelled.

"Guys, come look at Reginald!" Italy yelled back (yeah, he jumped out of a moving car and survived without a scratch).

Everyone surrounded the penguin, who was currently busy sniffing out the ground like a blood hound.

"…Are penguins supposed to do that?" Germany asked. Everyone just shrugged.

"We are in a crackfic. Anything's possible at this point." Rochelle said.

"SQUAKKKK!" squawked Reginald, picking up someone's scent.

"What is it boy? Do you smell Kenzie?" Rochelle asked.

"SQUAK!"

"She's in a house about four miles from here?" asked France, who understood penguin.

"SQUAK!"

"Can you take us to her, boy?" asked Italy.

"SQUAK!" Reginald started frantically wobbling in the direction of Kenzie's scent.

"He's taking us to her! C'mon guys!" said America.

What no one realized was that penguins waddle _really slowly_, so it was going to take a while before they got to Kenzie.

*_with Kenzie*_

"There has to be a map of the house around here somewhere!"

Kenzie had found a large, formal looking office, with many important looking papers scattered around the room. She was frantically looking for anything that might help her get out.

"Russian plans to assassinate the president? No." the threw that paper away.

"Nuclear weapons being secretly mass-produced in Russia? No!" she threw that paper in the fireplace.

"Printed lemons written by different people on fan fiction…" Kenzie slipped those in her bra to read later.

"No! There's nothing useful in here!" Kenzie sobbed.

"How the heck am I going to get out of this place?" she leaned against a wall that had a secret trigger build into it that caused the wall on the opposite end of the room to slide open.

"Eh?"

Kenzie walked into the new room and gasped at what she saw.

"A car! Oh, thank you, God! Now I can drive out of this place!"

Kenzie started walking towards the fancy car, but just as she started reaching for the door handle, a hundred ninja flamingo's swooped down and karate punched Kenzie all the way back to the secret door.

Kenzie slowly got up on shaky legs, and glared her pink assailants down.

"I've been stuck in this nightmare of a house for too long to let a bunch of feather butts stand between me and my freedom!" she then pulled out a pair of nun-chucks and leaped into a battle with the flamingo's.

I'm not going to go into to much detail about that fight. All I'm going to say, is that it was even more epic then those fight scenes in The Lord of the Rings movies, and feathers were everywhere by the time Kenzie was through with the ninja flamingo's.

"Humph!" Kenzie huffed, adjusting her bra strap. "That's what happens when you mess with the AIDs Fairy!"

She got into the car and turned the key into the ignition. The machine roared to life.

"Haha! Time to pull this baby out of-" Kenzie just realized there wasn't any garage door to pull the car out of.

"N-no. No! No no no no no! NOOOO!" Kenzie started twitching really weirdly.

"If there isn't a garage door, then I'll just have to MAKE one!" she said in an insane voice.

The pushed the gas peddle down as far as it would go. The car zoomed forward, and crashed through the house wall.

After a few wall were broken through, the car was outside, and zooming away from the house.

"Free! Free! FREEEE!" Kenzie sang to herself. Then her phone started singing 'I'm Sexy and I Know It', signaling she had gotten a text from Rochelle.

"Hehehehehe! I'll read my message while driving! That sounds safe!" of course, Kenzie knew only selfish dumb asses text and drive, but she wasn't really in the right frame of mind at the moment, so she slipped he phone open and read the message.

_On our way, stupid!_

Kenzie temporarily looked back at the road before she was going to text back. The last thing she saw was a big streetlight.

CRASHHHH!

*_with everyone else*_

"SQUAK!"

Reginald had actually managed to find Russia's summer home.

"This it?" asked America.

"Da." answered Russia.

"We aren't going _in_ that scary place, are we?" asked Italy, who was cowering behind Germany.

"We have to!" said Rochelle. "Kenzie's in there somewhere!"

"Yes. We must 'elp 'er." agreed France.

The group started making their way towards the front porch when Rochelle's phone started ringing.

"Hold up a minute!" said England. "That might be Kenzie!"

Everyone crowded around Rochelle as she answered the phone.

"Hello?"

The suspense was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Suddenly Rochelle screamed, "SHE'S WHAT?"

*one hour later*

The gang stormed the police station in search of Kenzie.

"I've found her!" Russia called out.

Everyone gathered around the cell Kenzie was being held in. Said girl was drenched in her own sweat, curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth slowly. She would occasionally mumble something like 'flamingo' or 'street lamp'.

"Can I help you people?" came a sharp, uptight voice.

Everyone turned to see a thin. Blond woman, who looked like she was in her mid thirty's.

"And you are?" asked France, who was working his charm.

"I'm Lutinit S. S. Spicy Sauce." she woman reached up to her forehead and pulled down a zipper, revealing a half Japanese girl, with short black hair (with red highlights in it), who looked to be around Kenzie and Rochelle's age. "But all of you can call me Em-Chan."

Everyone face: (0_0)

"Anyone else not see that one coming?" asked Rochelle.

"Anyways, we need to get our friend out of here." England said to Em-Chan.

"Oh, is that why you're here? Sure, let me get her out for you." Em-Chan said.

The minute Kenzie was released from her cell, she was glomping and crying on everyone she could get her hands on.

"I-I-It was t-t-terrible!" she sobbed.

Everyone just kind of patted her on the back, to tired to do any real comforting.

Kenzie sniffed.

"H-hey Rochelle?"

"Yeah?"

Kenzie pointed to Reginald. "What's up with the penguin?"

Rochelle never got to answer the question, because at that moment, the robotic minotaur broke the door down.

"MOOOOO-, eh?" the minotaur looked at Reginald. Reginald looked at the minotaur.

It was obviously love at first sight.

"Awwwwww." Em-Chan gushed.

"…I don't understand." said Japan.

"Just role with it-aru." said China.

The robotic minotaur and Reginald grabbed each others hands and flew off into the sunset. They would eventually have many robotic penguin babies that had horns…and breathed fire…

"Well that was strange." commented Russia.

"So what was it like in that house?" asked Italy.

"Terrible! I'm never going there again as long as I live!" Kenzie swore.

"…You're not going to be living in my house from now on to, are you?" Germany asked Em-Chan.

"How coincidental! I've been looking for a place to stay! Thanks for asking, Germany!" Em-Chan answered.

"What? No! I didn't-"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Kenzie and Rochelle screamed. "Does this mean we can still live with you!" Rochelle asked.

"…" Germany sighed and massaged his temples. "I…suppose so."

"Me too?" asked Em-Chan.

"Yeah sure. Sounds fun. Lets go home."

"Yay!" the three girls cheered.

That night the girls bonded over their love of Hetalia parings, and Germany had to get drunk off his ass to sleep through their nonstop laughing.

THE END!

**Bwahahahahaha! I enjoyed writing this chapter so freaking much! Even if it did take me a week to write it between my math and Latin homework.**

**Okay, guys. I have a serious offer to make; one no in in their right mind will be able to resist. I'm GIVING AWAY **_**free **_**virtual hugs to the first 10 people to review this chapter! This is an offer you can't resist, people! So click that little button blow for your own free hug! These are limited hugs, so hurry up!**


	7. Valentines Day Special

**I'm doing a fairly good job at posting regularly! I'm shocked! Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this, and review at the end! Pretty pretty please review! I'll give you a heart! 3**

_*story start*_

The month was now February. And we all know what that means!

"Black history month?" Rochelle asked AlwaysTomorrow.

"What? NO! Well, yes; but I was taking about Valentines day. :I" answered AlwaysTomorrow.

"Oh. Okay."

Back to the story. It was the month of mushy gushy love and the nations were having their annual Valentines day party. But Kenzie, Rochelle, and Em-Chan were no where to be found.

"It's so quiet without those three around." said England.

"I KNOW! ISN'T IT GREAT!" America screamed into England's ear.

"Never mind." England mumbled.

"Where are the women anyways?" asked France.

"Maybe they're in the kitchen where women are supposed to be, da?" mused Russia.

"Not cool-aru!" China defended women's rights.

At that moment the front door came crashing open. Rochelle, Kenzie, and Em-Chan all stood there in pink, fuzzy valentines day lingerie. Kenzie was holding one of those heart arrows those naked babies use to make people fall in love. Rochelle was holding a heart shaped mallet that would make people fall in love with one whack on the head. And last, but not least, Em-Chan was holding a heart shaped machine gun that makes people fall in love if they're shot.

"What the hell's going on?" Prussia screamed.

"We're gonna be cupid, bitches!" Em-Chan yelled.

Within seconds, the three girls had descended on the helpless nations. Kenzie was shooting arrows left and right. Rochelle was knocking people around the room like they were made of air! Em-Chan had taken about half the people in the room out in five seconds with her machine gun of love.

The nation personifications never stood a chance.

"That was easier that I expected." Em-Chan said afterwards.

"You're right. I at least expected them to put up a bit of a fight-" Kenzie cut Rochelle off by screaming.

"Ohmygosh! What are Russia and England doing!"

The other two girls turned to see what Kenzie was going on about.

England and Russia were currently snuggling on the floor.

Girls faces: O_O

"Russia, you're just the most handsome, wonderful, NOT blood thirsty person I've ever met! Mushy gushy lovey dovey love!"

Girls faces: O_X

"Oh England! Your eyebrows turn me on, baby! Lovey dovey mushy gushy mushy gush!"

Girls faces: X_X

"Lets become one together, da?" Russia asked, the look on Englands face showed he was going to say yes.

"NOOOOO!" the three girls screamed.

"WHAT HAVE WE DONE!" Em-Chan screamed.

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" Kenzie was screaming.

"Wait a minute? Who is everyone else paired with?" Rochelle asked.

The three turned to see a horrific sight.

France and Germany were hard core making out against a nearby wall, America was proposing to Italy with a hamburger-shaped ring, Prussia was also proposing to Italy with a Gilbird shaped ring (you know, that bird), the love had had a negative effect on Italy and he was glaring at his two proposes, China and Canada were rubbing against each other like two love deprived cats (they kind of are), and Japan was stroking and whispering sweet nothings to a random pillow lying on the couch.

"WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?" shrieked Rochelle.

"To! Many! Crack pairings!" Kenzie screamed.

"Have China and Canada ever even met?" Em-Chan asked, coping surprisingly fast to the terror of the situation.

"We can't let these parings happen!" Kenzie said in a determined voice.

"Damn strait! Cupids, CHARGE!" Rochelle yelled. The girls once again descended on the lovebirds.

*ten minutes later*

Germany and Italy were snuggled up on the couch watching sappy romance comedy movies with little hearts floating over their heads, China was sitting in Russia's lap like a content little cat while Russia petted his head (pretending China was a content little cat), England and America were sharing a milk shake in the kitchen while getting lost in each others eyes, Prussia had his arm wrapped around Rochelle's waist while he nibbled at her neck (just so you know, this is your valentines day gift p-o-a-s), France had practically tackled Kenzie to the floor (she was having to spray the Frenchman with a water bottle every two seconds to keep this story rated T), and Em-Chan and Japan were snuggling next to a roaring fireplace (every few minutes Japan would sneak longing glance at the pillow, and Em-Chan would have to hit him)… Oh and Canada was just standing there all alone.

"Damn! We forgot about Canada!" Kenzie said, after spraying France for trying to grope her…again. "DOWN BOY! DOWN!" France whimpered and curled up at her feet.

"But there's no one left." Em-Chan said, looking around for any extra nations.

"We could give him Japans pillow." Kenzie said.

"Nooooo! I rove her!" Japan screamed. Em-Chan shot him with her love machine gun to make him shut up.

Rochelle spotted Netherland walking by the house and got a 'eureka' look on her face.

"Kenzie! Netherland at two o'clock!"

"Got it!" Kenzie lifted her love bow and arrow and shot Netherland…right in the ass.

"OUCH! What the…" Netherland got a glazed look in his eyes as he spotted Canada. The two started running towards each other in slow motion while piano music was playing in the background. They met halfway and shared a passionate kiss before jumping in Canada's maple carriage (like the one from Cinderella, only shaped like a leaf) and riding away into the sunset.

That ended the previous problem.

The trio and their new love struck boy toys just stood there, not entirely sure what to do (or ad least two of them didn't).

"…What are we supposed to do now?" Kenzie asked.

"I'm not entirely sure…I didn't really think past hooking everyone up…"Em-Chan said.

"I don't know about you two, but _I'm_ taking my new toy for a test-drive!" Rochelle stated, dragging an eager looking Prussia into a nearby room, then shut and looked the door behind her…smexy noised ensued.

France looked at Kenzie.

"Mon cheri, would you like to take _me_ for a test drive?"

Kenzie bitch slapped France.

"Do I _look_ like a ho to you?"

France looked Kenzie (who was still wearing the pink, fuzzy lingerie) over with hungry eyes.

"Well, actually-" he began.

"DON'T ANSWER THAT!" Kenzie yelled. "I'm a girl that likes class. Anyone who _dares_ to want smexy times with me must first bring me to a fancy dinner, a crappy comedy movie, and a stroll in the park at night, where he would save me from a mugger." Kenzie finished.

"Then smexy time?" France asked.

"Yes. Then smexy time." Kenzie answered.

"That sounds like an awful lot of work…but I'm in LOVE! To a fancy dinner, and AWAY!" with that said, France grabbed Kenzie by the hand and whisked her away to a fancy French (what else) restaurant.

That left Em-Chan and Japan alone in a room full of lovebirds.

"Erm…so…um…" Em-Chan blushed slightly, realizing she was the only girl that wasn't promising "something" with their stud muffins.

"I wirr now do ancient Japanese methods of courting." Japan broke the awkward silence.

"Ancient Japanese-"

"Crom this way, prease." Japan said, extending his elbow for Em-Chan to take. Em-Chan had an epic nosebleed, but was to busy clinging to Japans arm to care. The two set off.

*_with Rochelle and Prussia*_

…you don't want to know what those two were 'doing'.

_*with Kenzie and horny Frenchman*_

Kenzie sat at the fancy table, blankly staring at the green, slimy substance that was on her plate.

"This looks….interesting…" Kenzie said to France.

"Hon hon hon hon hon! Escargot is a French delicacy. You will love in, mon cheri." France said, with a slight rape face.

"Escar- You're feeding me bugs? This is supposed to be romantic?" Kenzie was getting ready to spit in the 'food' and throw it at France's face, but his big 'ol puppy dog eyes stopped her.

"If you'll try it, you'll like it." he said in an all-knowing tone.

"…fine." Kenzie mumbled as she picked up the snail…and threw it into a decorative tree when France wasn't looking.

"Nom nom nom! That was delicious!" Kenzie over-exaggerated. "Can we go to the movies now?"

France stared at her suspiciously.

"But you've only eaten one bite…how is it that you're full…?"

"Oh! Um…Honey (Kenzie's southern draw was coming out), that one snail-" France cut her off.

"Escargot!"

Kenzie huffed.

"That one bite of _escargot_ was so amazing, that it filled me up. Now, can we please got to the movies?" she asked again.

France got another rape face.

"Hon hon hon hon hon! Impatient for what's to come _later tonight_, are we?" he said with a wink.

"…-_-…"

"If you are full, then of course we can go to the movies! AWAY!" he grabbed Kenzie, and literally ran all the way to the closest theater (dragging her behind him).

*_with Em-Chan and Japan*_

"The sakura trees are quite beautifur this time of year." Japan said, not really looking at the pink-flowered trees around him. "Armost as beautifur as you, Em-Chan."

Em-Chan turned four shades of red and had to fight off another nosebleed (Japan wasn't very happy when her blood got all over his cloths).

"T-thank you for bringing me here, Japan." she started to step closer to give the man a hug…Japan stopped her and held her at arms length.

"Em-Chan, prease! Let's not move things so fast!" he said.

"No…hug?"

"No. No hug. :I"

"…_why_?"

Japan sighed.

"Em-Chan, prease try to understand, I'm saving my hugs for someone _speciar._ If I went around just hugging everyone I felt like, then hugged someone I truly cared for, it would be like _they_ were hugging everyone I ever had hugged!" Japan reasoned…Em-Chan didn't get it.

"…But hugs are nice! And- Wait! You've never hugged anyone?"

Japan blushed a bit.

"Werr, actuary, I have hugged someone once before…it was Itary. BUT IT WASN'T CONCENTUAL! SO IT DOSN'T COUNT!" Japan said, afraid he wound be rejected for not being a hug-virgin.

"Um…That's _really _ok. I'm not mad or anything." Em-Chan said, keeping the fact that she hugged her friends all the time to herself.

"Is there anywhere else you wanted to take me?" she changed the subject.

Japans face lit up.

"Yersh! Come with me, prease."

Em-Chan followed Japan away.

*_with Rochelle and Prussia*_

Those two were still doing the funky bunny hop on Prussia's bed…I'm not going into details.

_*with Kenzie and France*_

France walked back over to Kenzie from the ticket booth.

"So what movie are we seeing?" Kenzie asked excitedly.

"Oh, you'll like it, it's a classic!" France said.

"What is it? What is it?" Kenzie asked, jumping up and down like a little girl.

"It is a surprise." France smirked at Kenzie's behavior. "Shall we go see it now?"

"Yessss!" Kenzie agreed.

*ten minutes later*

The lights in the theater dimmed, signaling the movie was about to start. Kenzie squealed with excitement.

"Here it comes." France said, as the opening of Beauty and the Beast in 3D started on the big screen.

Kenzie started having a panic attack, the memory of the Beast in Russia's summer house still vivid in her mind.

"Look, it's the ballroom scene!" France said, not noticing the hell Kenzie was going through.

That did it. It was said that Kenzie's screams could be heard all the way in Japan.

*_with Em-Chan and Japan*_

"Wow!" Em-Chan said, wide eyed. "This is amazing!"

Japan had brought her to his Japanese style garden (the kinds that have little running brooks and weird, yet pretty flowers).

"Thank you." Japan beamed. "I made it myserf."

Em-Chan was getting ready to reply when she thought she heard a faint (very faint) scream.

"Did you just hear something?" Em-Chan asked.

"No. It must have been the wind." Japan said after a moment of listening.

"Hm. Guess you're right." Em-Chan said after a moment.

The two fell into a comfortable silence. A thought occurred to Japan.

"Em-Chan?" he asked.

"Yeah?"

"I was…Urm…I mean…Do you want to take our rerationship to the next rever?" Japan was blushing like mad.

"…I would get to hug you?"

"Y-yes."

Em-Chan got tears in her eyes. All of her dreams were coming true.

"Yes!" she tried to hug him, only to get held back again. "WHY YOU HOLDING ME BACK!"

"I don't want to be unprofessionar!" he said. "If I hugged you alone, in my house, people would carr you a whore! I can't do that to you!"

Em-Chan was starting to lose it.

"So we can hug at my door, where anyone could see." Japan finished.

"Ok. At your door." Em-Chan huffed.

_*with Rochelle and Prussia*_

These crazy kids just keep going at it!

_*with Kenzie and France*_

The two were walking around a park. Kenzie was still wiping tears off her face.

"Je suis desole!" France apologized for the millionth time. "I had no idea!"

Kenzie sniffed.

"It's okay." she wiped a few more tears off her face. The couple went quiet for a while.

"So… smexy time now?" France asked after a while.

"You still haven't saved me from a mugger. T_T" Kenzie reminded him.

"Oh, right." France scoped the park for any muggers, then his sight landed on a little old elderly man with a cane. "STOP YOU FEIND!" he yelled.

The little old man looked up in just enough time to get tackled by France.

*two minutes later*

The little elderly man had just finished tying up France after giving him a good beating.

"That's what you get for trying to take on the '57 world championship boxer! You little whippersnapper!" the old man grabbed his cane and slowly started walking away.

Kenzie had just sat there, watching France get the crap beat out of him by the old guy.

France squinted at Kenzie thought two black eyes.

"I saved you." he rasped.

Kenzie just sighed.

"Sure. I think you've had enough for one day."

Frances eyes went wide.

"Smexy time?" he asked.

"Smexy time." Kenzie nodded.

France jumped up and hugged Kenzie to him (which was weird because Kenzie had never untied him) and ran with her to the nearest hotel.

*_with Rochelle and Prussia*_

Rochelle was sitting on the bed with nothing on but the blanket wrapped around her, smoking a cigarette. Prussia was laying beside her, half dead from exhaustion.

"Today's been fun." Rochelle said. "How many times did we do it again?"

"F-fourteen." Prussia rasped.

"Wow. We're amazing! I'm still not tired…" she winked at Prussia.

"…can't we just cuddle for a while?" Prussia begged.

"Oh, okay." Rochelle started moving closer to the Prussian, but just as she was getting ready to snuggle down next to him, he threw himself off the bed and looked at her like he had just woken up from a dream.

"W-what the hell!" he took in his surroundings and who he was with.

"WHY AM I NAKED? WHY ARE _YOU_ NAKED? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" he panicked.

Rochelle wasn't even fazed.

"Guess the love finally wore off." she said.

"WHAT?" Prussia was still clueless as to what was going on.

"I hit you with a love mallet and we did it fourteen times." she answered.

"NO!" he didn't believe what he was hearing.

"And I topped half the time." Rochelle added on to her earlier statement.

"…0_0.…" Prussia screamed and ran out of the house…he still wasn't wearing any cloths.

"I wonder how the others are doing…" Rochelle thought after a minute.

*_with Em-Chan and Japan*_

The moment hat finally come. Japan was going to let Em-Chan hug him.

"You ready?" Japan asked, opening his arms wide.

"Yup!" Em-Chan opened her arms too.

They started running towards each other in slow motion, with flowers falling in the air around them.

"Japan!" Em-Chan called out his name while they were running.

"Em-Chan!" Japan called back.

"Japan!" she called again.

"Em-Chan? What are you doing?" Japan had suddenly stopped running and was trying to figure out how he had ended up in his house.

"What do you mean 'what am I doing'?" she stopped. "I'm getting my hug!" she them started chasing the poor, dazed Asian around his home, attempting to get her hug.

Eventually Japan manager to kick hour out of his house and lock the door behind him.

"Damnit all Japan! Open up! I EARNED that hug!"

Japan never opened up.

*_with Kenzie and France*_

Kenzie was sprawled out on a heart shaped bed in a silky chemise. France now had a super-rape face.

"Come and get me Francey-pants!" Kenzie winked. France needed no further instruction.

He leaped high in the air and started coming down towards Kenzie, but halfway into his descent, the love wore off and he ended up falling face first on the ground, knocking himself out cold.

"France?" Kenzie kicked him in the ribs a few times to see if he'd get up.

"Guess he's not waking up." Kenzie put on her cloths and left the unconscious Frenchman in the hotel room.

As it turns out, no one ended up remembering that valentines day except for the girls (and they weren't telling what happened).

**Fwew! I was afraid I wasn't going to finish this before valentines day! Thank you to everyone who reviewed! **

**And happy Valentines Day!**


	8. OMSPF

**Hey, everyone! I'm convinced my computer hates me. It wouldn't let me on my account all week and it nearly drove me ****crazy****! So in other words, I'm sorry to everyone that messaged me and I couldn't message back. T_T**

**SPECIAL THANKS TO ****ELLEN THE FOX ****FOR GIVING ME THE IDEAS FOR THIS CHAPTER! 3**

*_story start*_

Kenzie was huddled under an old table in an abandoned potato chip factory. Someone was yelling from outside.

"McKenzie Sexy Wansomboob, we have the premises surrounded! Come out with your hands up and your mouth open (not like that you filthy perverts)!"

"NO!" Kenzie yelled, sounding like an immature four year old.

"C'mon, Kenz! Just take a bite of the damn thing so we can go home!" Rochelle yelled from outside with the other voice.

"NO!"

"Kenzie-san, please come out!" Em-Chan begged.

"NO!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! No American can resist for long! You can't stay in there forever- OUCH!" that was the enthusiastic voice of America. I'm guessing someone hit him before he made matters worse.

"NO!" Kenzie yelled again, even though America hadn't really asked her anything that required an answer.

Okay. If you're confuse, then I'm doing my job right. But why don't we start from the beginning to catch you guys up anyways?

*earlier that day*

"Breakfast time!" yelled Germany, as he finished setting the fifth plate on the table. No one came into the room.

"_I said,_ breakfast time!"

A few minutes later Em-Chan (who had been sleeping on the couch close to the kitchen) came stumbling into the kitchen, having been woken up by the Germans yelling.

"What're you yelling about?" she said in a bad ass tone.

"No ones come down to eat yet! I'll have you know I woke up two hours earlier than usual to make this for everyone!" Germany sulked. Truth be told, Kenzie had snuck into Germany's bed that night and ended up kicking him out of the bed in her sleep. But the man wasn't about to admit that (it would hurt his pride).

Em-Chan huffed.

"Hey ass-hats! The Nazi woke me up to feed everyone so GET DOWN HERE NAOOOOOO!"

That did the trick. Within five minutes, three groggy, pissed people were in the kitchen and everyone was chowing down….well, except for one.

Kenzie was blankly staring at the ham, eggs, and wurst on the plate in front of her.

"Why you no eat?" Prussia asked, spitting chewed egg on Kenzie's face.

"…I'm guessing I never told you guys…" Kenzie mumbled between clenched teeth.

"Told us vhat?" asked Germany.

"Here we go…." grumbled Rochelle. Em-Chan had meanwhile ran from the room in fright, for she knew she was no match against a wild, angry Kenzie.

"What? What's going on?" asked Prussia.

"Guys…" Kenzie started in a dead serious voice. "IM A DUCKFUCKING VEGITARIAN!"

The room was silent for a few minutes.

"…But you're an American." Said Prussia. "It's physically impossible for an American to be a vegetarian."

After Kenzie's explosion, Germany just sat there with his jaw hanging down to the table, completely shocked.

"And now she's gonna bitch." Rochelle mumbled to herself, as she walked off to try to find Em-Chan.

"I _refuse_ to eat this!" Kenzie spat in the food and pushed it away in disgust.

"What? But I made it for you!" Germany yelled.

"Well make me something else! Something _good_!" Kenzie yelled back.

"No! At least eat the eggs! Eggs aren't meat!" Germany tried to reason.

"Of _course_ eggs aren't meat. They're just shit out of some chickens ass! I'm. Not. Eating. It!" Kenzie crossed her arms and turned around, stomping her feet as she did so.

"Kenzie, you're acting like a child!"

"Shut up, you stupid head!"

"WHAT'D YOU JUST CALL ME?" no one called Germany a stupid head and got away with it.

An food fight of epic proportions ensued.

Meanwhile, Prussia had snuck upstairs to call a certain personification of a certain American nation to spread the news he had just found out.

*with Rochelle and Em-Chan*

"K-Kenzie's one scary bitch when you put meat in front of her." Em-Chan said, clinging to Rochelle like one of those baby monkeys you see on animal planet.

"Yup. The weird hippie." Rochelle said.

The room was quiet a few minutes.

"Wait a second. What happened to all the noise coming from the kitchen?" said Em-Chan.

The two listened a few more seconds. The sound of pots clanging and German cussing had, indeed, stopped.

Rochelle sighed.

"Better go see what the damage is." she said.

Rochelle and Em-Chan went in the kitchen…they weren't expecting what they saw….

Germany was laying passed out on the ground. Kenzie was standing over him with one foot propped against his chest. They were both dressed up as roman warriors for some reason, so Kenzie was holding a spear and shield. A red substance was pooling around Germany.

"Holy shit! Is that blood?" Rochelle screamed…but didn't move any closer to help the man.

Em-Chan dipped her fingers into the 'blood' and licked it off her fingers.

"Chill out, Rochelle. It's just strawberry kool aid. :3"

"…oh." some color started returning to Rochelle's face.

"Woooooow. We really made a mess….I'm not cleaning it." said Kenzie as she looked at the demolished kitchen.

"Don't worry. Germany'll do it when he wakes up." Em-Chan said.

"Or maybe he'll be really pissed and force you to help clean this wreck." Rochelle said…she went unnoticed.

"Hey guys! I'm tired now!" Kenzie said, while jumping around the room. "Let's go watch 'Howl's Moving Castle'!"

"Sure." said Em-Chan.

"M'kay." said Rochelle.

*halfway through the movie*

"Howl's so hot." Kenzie said dreamily, looking at the TV.

"You just have a blond fetish." said Rochelle, who was looking at the animated man just as dreamily.

"Shudup! I'm trying to watch the movie!" Em-Chan roared, with a crazed look in her eyes. Rochelle and Kenzie cowered in fear. Everyone eventually settled down and went back to watching the movie…for about five minutes.

Out of nowhere a _very_ loud knock came from the door.

"What the hell?" Rochelle and Em-Chan screamed, being surprised.

"Damn! If it's another tax collector, I'm not here!" Kenzie said as she attempted to hide under a rug.

Suddenly the door came flying off its hinges, colliding smack dab in the center of Rochelle's face (that's for flaming me then losing my 'special letter' and changing your pen name p-o-a-s!).

"Rochelle-san! Are you okay!" said Em-Chan, who was trying to help her (now crying) friend.

"A door just collided with her face. Do you _think_ she's okay? :I" said Kenzie, who had popped her head out from under the rug.

"Hahahaha! Hey everyone!" America stepped through the (broken) doorway.

He looked at Rochelle and Em-Chan, then looked around the rest of the room, apparently not spotting the large lump that was Kenzie, hiding under the rug.

"Where is it?" asked America in a dead serious voice (which immediately worried everyone in the room).

"W-where's what?" said Em-Chan, who was the only person in the room who grew the balls to talk to the new, serious America.

"What do you think I'm talking about? That _thing_!That _monster_! That-that…_vegetarian!_"

"…."

"…."

Rochelle and Em-Chan both looked at Kenzie (who was still hiding under the rug two feet in front of America), then looked at America like he was an idiot.

"…Seriously? -_-" said Em-Chan.

"UNDER THE RUG! UNDER THE RUG!" Rochelle screamed, pointing at Kenzie's obvious hiding place. "Make her eat a hamburger! She hates those the most!" Yeah…Rochelle was pissed at Kenzie's lack of concern after the door incident.

America 'gee-gasped'.

"An American who hates hamburgers? The situations even worse than I thought!"

He yanked the rug off Kenzie and pulled a chicken nugget out of his pocket.

"Eat this! Nowwww!" he pinned the thrashing Kenzie to the ground and tried to shove the nugget in her pie-hole.

"NOOOOOO!" Kenzie just thrashed harder. "I DON'T WANNA EAT IT! IT'S BEEN IN YOUR DAMN POCKET!" she kneed America's poor, unsuspecting balls, and while the man was withering in pain on the floor, she made a mad dash out of the house.

"Hmmm." Em-Chan said, starring at the obviously-in-pain America. "And here I always thought that Kenzie had a bad sense of aim…"

"A-apparently n-not." America wheezed out.

"So…does this mean you're giving up on turning our little Kenzie into a carnivore?" asked Rochelle.

"NO!" America stood up on very, very, _very_ shaky legs. "Dear god," he chocked. "I think she took southern California off the map!" standing was nearly killing the man.

"Um…are you even _able_ to go after her?" asked Em-Chan.

"The hero can do ANYTHING! I just need to call for backup!"

"Backup?" Em-Chan and Rochelle asked at the same time.

In the blink of a eye America had his phone out and was making calls.

*_later that day with Kenzie*_

Kenzie was now walking around some small town in Mexico. Which is kind of weird considering she went strait from Germany's place to Mexico without getting on a plane or boat…you know what, I take that back. This is a crackfic after all.

"How'd I end up here?" Kenzie mumbled to herself. She spotted a local and decided to ask how to get out of that place. So she waltzed right up to said person.

"Hello there! My names Kenzie Wansomboob, and I'm afraid I don't know where I am. Could you please tell me where the nearest airport is, good sir?"

The Mexican just starred at her.

"…que?" he said.

"What?"

"Que?"

"_What_?"

"_Que_?"

"You know, I think I'll just find someone that speaks normally." Kenzie left the confused Mexican…only to collide with a muscle man wearing a black suit.

The muscle dude starred at Kenzie through his black sunglasses.

"Are you McKenzie Sexy Wansomboob?" he asked in his monotone voice.

"…maybe. Who are _you_? And how are you not hot in that suit in 100 degrees weather?"

"That's classified information." the man pulled out a large bag and stuffed Kenzie in it. For some reason, no one saw the abduction.

*_later_*

Kenzie was now strapped to a chair with one of those detective light thingies in her face. She had been continuously questioned for about three hours.

"Why are you doing this? Is it money? Fame? Are you some kind of scrawny terrorist?" an unseen voice asked.

"WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON HERE?"

…Kenzie might have been panicking a little… The mysterious voice paused for a minute.

"If we give you this classified information, will you tell us what we want to know?" it asked.

"Yeah, sure. Start the explaining!"

The voice then launched into it's story.

"We are a top secret organization of the American government known as the O.M.S.P.F."

"…O.M.S.P.F.?"

"Yes. We are the Organization of Making Skinny People Fat."

"…only in America. -_-"

"And we recently found out that you are…are…a-a…_vegetarian._" the voice exasperated.

"…And?"

"You are a threat to America!" the voice screamed.

"What? How'd you make that connection?" Kenzie was more confused than scared now.

"That's unimportant. What matters is that you start eating meat before you become an even greater danger to yourself and others. Now eat this." a hamburger was pushed in front of Kenzie.

"B-but I don't wanna!" Kenzie wined.

"To bad!" the hamburger magically levitated and started zooming towards Kenzie's mouth.

"NOOOOOO!"

Kenzie unleashed her hidden monster strength to break free of the rope and destroy the wall of the room… she (once again) ran away.

"After it! Who knows what kind of damage that THING could do!" but it was to late. Kenzie had already ran off, leaving nothing but a trail of dust behind her.

*_with everyone else_*

Em-Chan and Rochelle were sitting around eating ice cream and popcorn, having nothing better to do after America had ran off to find Kenzie. Prussia joined them a little while later, after he had drawn a few penises on the still-unconscious Germany's face with a sharpie. The room was still trashed from America's little visit, but everyone ignored that little fact.

"I wonder if America's caught Kenz yet." said Rochelle in a bored tone…she didn't really care one way or another.

Then Prussia's phone rang…

"Hello-" Prussia got interrupted.

"How the hell can Kenzie run so fast when she never works out?" America screamed through the phone.

"I take it she got away…again." Said Em-Chan, who was more interested in pouring chocolate syrup on her popcorn.

America went quiet for a few seconds.

"…No…we totally caught her… But _hypothetically speaking,_ if she did get away, where would she go?" America asked.

"How would we know something like tha-" Prussia got interrupted again.

"Potato chips." said Rochelle.

"And pasta." said Em-Chan.

"_What_?" asked both America and Prussia.

"Kenzie doesn't eat meat…" started Em-Chan.

"So her main source of nourishment is potato chips and pasta. They are her life source. -_-" finished Rochelle in a dead serious voice.

"I was wondering where all my Pringles were going…" mumbled Prussia.

"Hahahaha! That's helpful! There's an old potato chip factory just up the road!" America could be heard yelling to someone behind him. "Johnny, get the tranquilizer guns! We're going vegetarian hunting!" then he hung up the phone.

Prussia, Rochelle, and Em-Chan just stared at the phone for a few minutes.

"Tranquilizer guns?" wondered Prussia.

"How does Kenzie always get herself into these situations?" Em-Chan asked, turning to Rochelle. She was shocked to see the half black girl leaving the house.

"What're you guys waiting for? C'mon!" Rochelle yelled.

"Oh! Are we going to save your BFL (bitch for life)?" asked Prussia.

"Hell to the no!" Rochelle scoffed. "I've known Kenzie since out daycare days and I've _never_ seen her eat meat. I CAN'T MISS THIS!" Rochelle turned to Em-Chan. "Em-Chan, get you perv-camera (camera used to secretly take pics of yoai couples)! I want a picture of carnivore Kenzie!"

Rochelle left the house, closely followed by Em-Chan and Prussia. In no time they were at the factory with America and the OMSPF.

*…back at story start…*

Kenzie was huddled under an old table in an abandoned potato chip factory. A member of the OMSPF was yelling from outside.

"McKenzie Sexy Wansomboob, we have the premises surrounded! Come out with your hands up and your mouth open!"

"NO!" Kenzie yelled, sounding like an immature four year old.

"C'mon, Kenz! Just take a bite of the damn thing so we can go home!" Rochelle yelled from outside with the other voice.

"NO!"

"Kenzie-san, please come out!" Em-Chan begged.

"NO!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! No American can resist for long! You can't stay in there forever- OUCH!" that was the enthusiastic voice of America. I'm guessing someone hit him before he made matters worse.

"NO!" Kenzie yelled again, even though America hadn't really asked her anything that required an answer.

"McKenzie!" the OMSPF member yelled. "Come out or your friends get it!" at that moment everyone there pulled out a gun and aimed at Rochelle, Em-Chan, Prussia, and America.

"Da fuck?" Prussia screeched like a little girl.

"NO!" Kenzie yelled, peeking out of a window.

"I mean it! We'll shoot!" the man yelled.

"Kenzie! Get your lily white ass out here now!" yelled Rochelle, who didn't want to die because her BFL was being stubborn.

"I DON'T WANNA!" Kenzie yelled, this time she was at the factory entrance, debating if she should help her friends or not.

"DO IT! DO IT OR ELSE!" Rochelle yelled.

"…or else what?" Kenzie was slowly inching her way out of the factory like a skittish raccoon.

"OR ELSE I'LL CHANGE MY USER NAME AGAIN!" Rochelle screamed.

"!" Kenzie ran up to the group of people.…she was tackled by five surprisingly fast fat guys before she knew what hit her.

"That a girl!" Rochelle proudly stated at the sight of her squished friend.

"Now say 'ahhh'!" said the OMSPF guy.

Kenzie whimpered, but opened her mouth all the same. The hamburger was slowly lowered towards her mouth…

*_several hours later*_

"BLAAAAAHHHHHH!" Kenzie puked for the seventeenth time that night. Rochelle, Em-Chan, and Prussia all stood at the bathroom door watching (Germany would have been watching too, but once he woke up he threw a shit-fit at the mess in his house and had been cleaning ever since).

"You know, if she had just told us she was allergic to processed meat in the beginning of this chapter, we would have been saved a lot of drama." said Prussia.

"Isn't that the truth." mumbled Rochelle.

"Oh man! Oh man! I think I'm dying!" Kenzie said in-between heaves.

"That's just because your throats swelled up and your delirious from all the pukeing." said Em-Chan.

…Kenzie passed out.

"Well this could be problematic." said Em-Chan.

"Yeah, we'd better get her to the hospital." said Rochelle.

"Ok then." Prussia then turned to the person(s) reading this. "Good night, everyone!"

**Thank you for reading everyone! **

**Hey.**

**Hey you.**

**Person reading this.**

**See that little button below? The one that says 'review'.**

**Click it.**

**Click it NAOOOOO!**


	9. Yandere Italy

**High guys! Oh my firggin gosh this weeks been stressful. Thanks to band district and my exams I haven't gotten a wink of sleep, I'm super stressed, and I think my hair might be falling out! But enough of my issues, hope everyone enjoys this chapter and reviews at the end! **

**Special thanks to princess-of-all-sayins ( I REFUSE to use the new pen name) and Em-Chan (sorry Em-Chan, your pen names to hard for me to spell T_T).**

_*story start*_

It was a warm and sunny afternoon at Germany's place, and everyone was flipping out and enjoying the weather as a result. Em-Chan had been so excited about the weather, that she called all the other nations (Germany would flip when he saw his phone bill) and invited them over for an It's-Sunny-Outside-So-Let's-All-Party-And-Get-Wasted party!

England, America, and the wordy-pervy-dirty France were all arguing about the increasing price of pickles, Prussia was sunbathing in the neon Speedo that was in the third chapter, Canada was smiling in a lawn chair secretly plotting to take over the world, Russia was slow dancing with a bucket ('cause he had gotten drunk on American moonshine), Germany stood in the shade and watched the ciaos while China stayed inside watching Japanese game shows…oh, and Italy was eating pasta.

Japan was standing calmly under a weeping willow tree…until Rochelle jumped and tried to rape him; which made Em-Chan jump in to try to save the man she had been planning to rape from getting raped by another raping Japan fan girl…wait, what? Kenzie probably would have jumped into the rape fight, but she had be sentenced to her room by the others to keep out of trouble…she just ended up watching Fiddler On The Roof a million times.

You know what I mean, the usual stuff.

"IF I WERE A RICH MAN! YABA DIBI DIBI DIBI DIBI DIBIDIBI DIBI DUMMMMM!" Kenzie sang from upstairs, catching every ones attention.

"…What did you say she was doing again?" asked England.

Rochelle just sighed. "She's been watching that damn movie again. You know, that's all she talked about for TWO HOURS yesterday."

"Fiddler on the Roof is good." said Russia. "It takes place in Russia."

No one argued with Russia because they knew they would most likely die if they did. Eventually, everyone went back to drinking and arguing like before, trying to drown out Kenzie screeching show tunes from upstairs…it didn't work.

Em-Chan casually walked over to England.

"Hi England!" she greeted. "Enjoying the party?" she had to scream slightly to be heard over Kenzie's singing.

"What?" England yelled back. Blood started dripping out of one of his ears.

"OHMYGOSH! Kenzie's singing is making your ears bleed!" Em-Chan screamed, catching everyone's attention.

"What was that? I can't hear you over Kenzie's screaming! I'm going to make the house soundproof with my magic!" England yelled back.

A sparkly sky blue aura surrounded England as he spoke the magic words.

"Hoffle waffle catcha barus!" he said. Lightning came flying out of his fingers…it hit Italy square in the chest (England has a bad aim).

Everyone face: 0_0

The Italian remained motionless on the ground.

"Ita? You okay?" asked Prussia, who brought out the trusty old poking stick to give Italy a few jabs. But before the little piece of wood came into contact with his skin, Italy opened his eyes, which were now red like blood (or strawberries :3). He glared at the stick so intensely that in burst into flames.

"Poking stick! Nooooo!" Prussia fell to his knees and raised his hands to the sky in anguish.

"Um, I don't mean to ruin your angst moment," Rochelle said to Prussia. "but why are Italy's eyes red?"

Italy turned his head in Rochelle's direction so fast that his head made a 'snap' sound.

"Because this crackfics all about ME, BITCHES!" he yelled.

Everyone face again: 0_0

"Did he cuss?" asked America.

"No bloody way!" England said.

"Святой потный шаров!" said Russia. I don't know how to say any of that, but according to Google translator, it means 'holy sweaty balls' in Russian. =w=

"That's right, suckers! I'm going yandere! Now, I demand you build a 300 foot tall statue of me!" Italy said, as he put on a random black cape like super villains wear.

"Pshhhh. Make us-aru." said China.

Italy looked at China with a malicious grin plastered on his face (I can't see it either).

"Ok." out of no where, ten vicious looking dogs that were the sizes of small horses showed up, snarling and foaming at the mouth. One stepped closer, looking at China hungrily.

"Oh, it looks like Sprinkles, my man-eating-werewolf-hybrid dog has taken a liking to you, China." said Italy. "Do you want me to tell him to _play_ with you?" the vicious dog stepped closer.

Meanwhile, China's jaw was hanging open.

"Where did you get man eating dogs-aru? You've only been evil for like, two minutes-aru!"

"Eh. AlwaysTomorrow's been planning this chapter for a while. she had plenty of time to get all this stuff together, BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!" Italy stood up growing ten inches so he towered over everyone else. "You are all now my slave and will remain so until you die of exhaustion that I cause!"

Everyone gulped.

*later that afternoon*

The nations were a mess. Germany and Prussia had been sent to build the 300 foot statue of Italy all bye themselves. Russia had been forced to clip Italy's overgrown, green, strait up _nasty_ toenails, and had been huddling in a corner crying ever since. China had been forced to eat one of America's cheep, greasy burger, while America was forced to watch and not get one of his own (which ended up giving him a heart attack). Italy had gotten England super high on a bunch of drugs. England was so high that he saw Flying Ming Bunny die of cancer and had repressed memories of being molested by his Uncle Gesus. Rochelle and Em-Chan had been forced to wear toga's, but were otherwise ok….everyone forgot Canada was in the room, so he was okay too.

"I'm hungry!" stated Italy. He turned to Em-Chan. "Women! Fetch me nourishment!"

Em-Chan narrowed her eyes at Italy.

"I didn't hear a _please_ in that statement!" she growled.

"Yandere Italy doesn't say please! Food! Now! You go get!" Italy slowly rose from his ivory throne (he personally killed the elephants to make).

"No! I refuse to do anything until you say please!" Em-Chan slowly rose off the floor.

"Whoa, guys! Don't worry, I'll go get the food!" Rochelle said panicky, trying to keep the peace.

"SIT DOWN!" both Em-Chan and Italy screamed at the same time.

"…Okay." Rochelle slumped back down on the floor and started eating a chocolate bar (hey, if everyone was going to fight, she was going to enjoy it).

"Will you mother flocking _please_ fetch me nourishment?" Italy said with a ton of sarcasm.

"_Sure_." said Em-Chan, who decided the fight wasn't worth it…at the moment. She left the room to make pasta.

Italy growled like a Pekingese and sank back in his ivory throne.

"Aw. No fight today." Rochelle grumbled.

"Here's your damn food!" Em-Chan shoved a plate of pasta in Italy's hands. He took one bite and immediately spit it back out.

"WHAT IT THIS!" he yelled/asked Em-Chan.

"IT'S FOOD, DUMBASS!" she yelled back.

Rochelle went back to eating her chocolate, expecting another fight to break out.

"This isn't food! It's DISGUSTING!" Italy threw the food against the wall.

Rochelle face: 0_0

Em-Chan face: :O

"You take that back! I'm a great cook!" Em-Chan screamed.

"Ooooooh! No he didn't!" Rochelle commented from her corner.

"Now you die!" Em-Chan brought out a switchblade.

"Not if I kill you first!" Italy brought out a switchblade of his own.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" Rochelle was chanting in the corner.

Italy and Em-Chan circled each other like mad battling narwhals, occasionally lunging at each other, but never getting more than a few small scratches. That is, until Italy pulled a bitch move and pulled a rug Em-Chan had been standing on so she fell backwards.

Rochelle gasped when this happened, but otherwise made no move to help anyone.

"Any last words?" Italy asked, as he raised the switchblade over his head.

"Yeah, suck my-" Em-Chan never got to finish her statement because at that moment Kenzie overpowered England's spell and all that could be heard was her terrible singing.

"ANATEVKA, ANATEVKA, UNDERFED, OVERWORKED, ANATEVKA! WHERE ELSE WOULD SABBATH TASTE SO SWEEEEEEET?" she screeched form upstairs.

Everyone covered their ears!

"My ears!" Rochelle screamed.

"I think my brains melting!" Em-Chan screamed.

"No! I will not be stopped! I must-! Whoa! What's going on?" asked Italy.

"Eh?" Rochelle and Em-Chan said at the same time.

"Don't you remember anything?" asked Em-Chan.

"No. What's that terrible noise?" Italy asked over Kenzie's singing.

"Well fuck me sideways," Rochelle said. "Kenzie's singing made his brain retarded again!"

Everyone (except Italy) just stood there in shocked silence a few minutes.

"Didn't see that one coming-aru." commented China.

"I can't believe this." said Rochelle. "I think I need a nap." Rochelle left the house to find somewhere quiet to sleep. She was soon followed by everyone else.

*that night*

"Today's been…interesting." grumbled Prussia. Kenzie had stopped singing a few hours earlier and the house was deemed safe to enter.

"I still have a headache." mumbled Rochelle as she dry swallowed six Advil's. Everyone nodded in agreement.

Kenzie came skipping down the stairs.

"Guys! Fiddler on the Roof has changed my life! I have converted so that I'm now a Russian-Ashiest-Jew!"

"Do you really want to be Jewish in my house?" asked Germany…he was ignored.

"Kenzie! Go back upstairs! We've already had the crackfic for this week!" snapped Rochelle.

"Eh? When? What happened?" Kenzie freaked out.

"Go look it up on fan fiction! I'm to fired to re-live it!" said Em-Chan.

"…okay. T_T" Kenzie waddled back up the stairs and everyone went to sleep with major migraines from the events of the day.

THE END!

**Everyone, you need to go watch ****Fiddler on the Roof**** on you tube RIGHT NOW! If you're Jewish, watch it! If you're Christian, watch it! If you're Russian, watch it! If you're bord, clean your room (ya lazy).**

**Review! Review! Review!**


	10. April Fools Special

**Happy April fools day, guys! I love you all!**

**Since I'm not able to get on my profile half the time, I'm going to make remarks now.**

**Applesause56: Stop cussing you fucking potty mouth! (I'm a hypocrite and proud of it)**

**Ellenthefox: HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYY! Yandere Italy is hot. I would pay to see him like that in the series. XD**

**DreamsComeFromtheHeart: Change your penname! Change it NAOOOOO! And thanks for the ideas in this chapter (that's my way of giving you credit).**

_*story start*_

On the dark, dreary night of March 31, three figures (Em-Chan, Rochelle, & Kenzie) could be seen sneaking from Germany's house in a sneakily way…sneakily. Rochelle turned to her two partners in crime.

"Ok, so we know what we have to do, right?"

"Yussss!" replied Kenzie.

"Oui!" said Em-Chan (I don't know what 'yes' is in Chinese :I)

The three split up to obviously start drama.

*_the next day in Canada*_

Our transparent little Canadian had just finished his morning ritual of brushing his teeth (with maple syrup), washing his hair (with maple syrup), watching the morning news (while chugging a bottle of maple syrup), and eating a plate of homemade pancakes (drizzled lightly in honey). Having nothing better to do (read: no friends to hang with), he put on an old joggers suit and got ready to take a walk outside.

But when he went out side he saw something he had never seen before…the little red flag on his mailbox was sticking up.

"Eh?"

…Canada getting mail was a rare happening. So of course he ran for his mailbox like a crazed, rabid squirrel.

He pulled out the letter.

"To Canada," he read "from…Nonya Business?" he was momentarily puzzled, but the excitement of getting a letter made him push his confusion away.

"Who could it be from? Has someone finally realized I exist!" he tore the top of the letter off with his teeth and frantically started reading the neat cursive handwriting.

_Dear America #2,_

"Maple hockey!" Canada cursed, but kept reading.

_I feel like it is my responsibility as a noble snitch to inform you that everything you believe is total bullshit. You see, everyone really knows you exist,-_

"Yay!" Canada cheered, before going back to reading.

_-they just don't like you._

"Aw." Canada read on.

_So the next time that everyone ignores what you have to say, or runs away screaming something about a ghost, or have a party and don't invite you, it's not because they forgot about you, they just secretly wish you would die. Goodbye, and have a pleasant tomorrow!_

_Sincerely,_

_Kenzie_

_P.S. Kenzie didn't write this._

_P.P.S. America wont the 2008 hockey Olympics! SUCK IT!_

"….."

Canada went back into his house, drank every bottle of maple syrup he had, and passed out in a closet.

*_with Russia*_

Russia was happily doing Russian stuff, like drinking vodka and tormenting the Nordics…or was it the Baltic's…? When I thought occurred to him.

"Ah, the all mighty Russia has not busted open any heads with old water pipe in many hours. I should do that now. It makes me pleasure smile. ^J^" the creep said.

The ex-commi walked to his closet where he kept his trusty, rusty water pipe and opened the door.

"Wha?" Russia was puzzled to see nothing in his closet.

"Water pipe! Where are you?" he started frantically tearing apart the closet.

All he found was a mysterious note.

_Dear scary man,_

_Water pipes are NOT meant to be kept in the house. Which is why I've decided to take it…_

…_um, bye?_

_Mysterious Person_

A creepy purple aura appeared around Russia as he read and re-read the note.

"Kolkolkol. Russia will find this Mysterious Person and rip their heart out with his teeth."

He left the house.

_*with America*_

America, being the fat ass he was, was sitting in front of his TV. eating a healthy bowl of coco puffs in chocolate milk, drenched in chocolate syrup in his super man boxers…and did I mention it was his fifth bowl?

Suddenly, his channel was interrupted by a special broadcast. The reporter (who looked mysteriously like Em-Chan wearing a fake mustache) began speaking.

"We interrupt your program to bring you distressing new!" said the 'reporter'.

"Distressing?" said America.

"Yes, distressing. It seems that fighting has broken out in the middle east again! Women are being eaten and babies are exploding everywhere!" said the reporter.

"Holy cow!" said America.

"OH THE HORRORS!" yelled the reporter. "If only there were someone to bring democracy to these people!"

"AMERICA TO THE RESCUE!"

America leapt from the couch and ran to the nearest airport to go 'save' the middle east…he was still in his boxers…

_*with France*_

The French personification was taking a break from his many, many lovers to take a shower.

But as he past his mirror, he saw a horrific sight.

"What ze hell!" he said, clinging to his bald head.

"My 'air! My 'air! Someone 'as DEFILED it!"

Yes, the country with flowing, golden locks was now as bald as one of those weird naked cats.

"I cannot live like this!"

He went and cried himself to sleep.

_*with Germany*_

"WHICH ONE OF YOU DID THIS?" the angry German was yelling at the three girls while pointing to his pink hair.

"Not me." said Em-Chan.

"I didn't do it." said Rochelle.

"I didn't even know pink hair dye existed." said Kenzie (who was holding the pink hair dye behind he back).

"MAKE MY HAIR BLOND AGAIN! NOW!" Germany yelled.

"Can't." said Rochelle.

"Yeah. That stuffs permanent. It'll stay that way for at least three weeks." said Em-Chan. Kenzie nodded in agreement.

"Hey, Ludi?" said Kenzie.

"VHAT!" the angry German yelled.

The three girls screamed in unison. "APRIL FOOLS!"

…Kenzie, Rochelle, and Em-Chan were in the hospital for three months afterwards…

**Not gonna lie, I completely fudged this whole thing. I made a deadline for myself and didn't start writing this thing until yesterday, so I didn't get as much time as I would have like to work on it…but I still hope you guys enjoyed it! **

**~Review please**


	11. Bedtime StoriesHETALIA STYLE!

**Hey guys. Id like to start off by apologizing for not updating in forever. But for those loyal readers who've watch my updates have probably noticed, FF deleted the entire story even though I did absolutely NOTHING WRONG. Jackasses. -_-**

**But I'm re-uploading everything and hoping FF keeps their noses out of my shit. Thanks for being so patient.**

_*story start*_

It was a calm and peaceful night.

In England, people were having sweet dreams of over-the-hill-to-old-to-count women who have "ruled" the country for 60 years (the queens an immortal!).

In Russia, people were dreaming about being in the Bahamas and nuclear warfare.

In America, people were having nightmares about treadmills (shudders).

And what about Mr. Germany's house, you ask? Well, no one was sleeping. And why was that?

"Kenzie, Rochelle, Em-Chan! Sit the flock down RIGHT NOW!" Germany yelled at the top of his lungs.

Said girls were jumping off the walls because Prussia got the smart idea to give them Starbucks coffee and skittles. Between the caffeine and sugar, Germanys house never stood a chance.

Papers were flying through the air, windows were smashed, Kenzie was swinging from a chandelier like some sort of monkey, homeless hobos were crowded around trashcan fires. It was chaos.

"That's enough!" the German yelled…no one stopped.

"Bruder! This is JOUR fault! Make it stop!" Germany turned to Prussia.

"Kesesesese! Easy as pie!" Prussia said before walking into the middle of the room and yelling, "Ok, time for a bedtime story!"

"Bedtime story?" Kenzie squealed, accidentally letting go of the chandelier and falling to the floor with a sickening crack…she was ok.

"Aren't we a little old for those?" asked Rochelle.

"NO!" Kenzie said in a demonic voice.

"Oh shiznitts!" said Em-Chan.

"Everyone shut yo traps!" Prussia caught their attention. "Now gather around and prepare for your mind to explode with my awesome storytelling abilities."

The girls and hobos crowded around Prussia.

"What are you going to tell us first?" asked Em-Chan.

"The amazing story of The Three Little Pigs-"

"Heard it." yelled Rochelle.

"Yeah! I want an original story!" Kenzie backed Rochelle up.

Prussia crossed his eyes at the two girls.

"Okay. How about the story about…The Three Little Baltic's."

"The Three Little Baltic's?" everyone asked.

"Yes. Now everyone shut the hell up and sit tight!"

**The Three Little Baltic's:**

Once upon a time, there were three little Baltic brothers. There was Latvia who was, well, adorable and misunderstood. There was Lithuania, who was hot and commonly paired with a cross-dressing vallygirl. And last but not least, there was Estonia who…um…wore glasses!

"That's all you could think of for me!" Estonia yelled at the narrator.

"Shut up Estonia! You don't do anything!" the narrator yelled back.

"Fine! Whatev' man. -_-"

Back to the story. The three little Baltic's lived happily lives with their mother. There was only one issue…they were all in their thirties. One day their mother had had enough.

"THAT'S IT! You're all filthy, lazy, jobless bums! And you take all the hot water in the shower! GET OUT!" she screamed as the kicked the men out.

"But mommy! I only look, like, seven years old in the anime!" Latvia yelled.

But it was to late. Their mother had shut and locked the door. The men. Were. **Fucked**.

"Oh god! Oh god! We're gonna DIE!" Latvia screamed.

"Calm your tits!" Lithuania smacked Latvia. "It's not like anything can hurt us out here."

Suddenly the Baltic's heard their mother yelling through the door, "Oh, and boys, I heard the other day that a big bad Russia's been spotted in the aria."

Now the men were literally fucked.

"Oh damn! We're gonna DIEEEE!" Lithuania sobbed, making Latvia break down too.

"Stop being such pussies." said Estonia. "All we need are strong houses and we should be fine."

Latvia sprung up with a determined look on his face.

"You're right Estonia! And I'll bet if we all worked together we could build a really strong- WHERE ARE YOU BOTH GOING!"

As it turned out, while Latvia was rambling on about teamwork, Lithuania had walked off in one direction and Estonia had walked off in the opposite.

"GUYS! We need to STICK TOGETHER!" Latvia screeched.

"Go build a house, Latvia." Lithuania yelled, not stopping to turn around.

"Yeah. Big bad Russia'll get you if you just stand there rambling on all day." Estonia called over his shoulder.

Latvia sniffled and walked off in despair.

"There…this house looks sturdy…" Latvia said…then he broke down in tears.

You see, his 'house' was more or less (but mostly more) a random hay pile he'd found in a field.

"…I'm gonna die… TT_TT" he said as he dug into the hay pile.

Within a couple of hours Latvia was starting to doze off.

"Kolkolkol."

Latvia's eyes snapped open like a whores legs.

"_Maybe if I hold still he won't know I'm here…"_ he thought.

"Oh Latvia~! I know you're in there~!"

"_SHIT A BRICK!"_

"Latvia, Latvia, let me in." said the big bad Russia.

"NO!"

"Or I'll rip out the hairs on your chiny chin chin. ^J^"

"I DON'T HAVE FACIAL HAIR!" Latvia wailed.

"Oh. Then I'll rape you with my pipe, da?" with that said, the big bad Russia reached into the hay and dragged Latvia back to his place.

"Haha! Finally done!" Lithuania sighed as he wiped the sweat from his forehead.

He had spent the entire day working on a four story, solid oak house with five bedrooms and three bathrooms.

Once he went inside he shut and locked the door with twelve deadbolts.

"That should keep the big bad Russia away." Lithuania mentally patted himself on the back.

"Lithuania, Lithuania, let me in."

Said man felt his blood run cold.

"G-go away big bad Russia! There's no way you could get in here!" Lithuania yelled at the door.

"Kolkolkol! Lithuania, turn around."

Lithuania cranked his head around in just enough time to see the end of a pipe come crashing into his skull.

"Teehee!" Russia giggled at the sight of the unconscious nation, "I'm enjoying this story more and more. ^J^" he then grabbed Lithuania and dragged him back to his place.

The big bad Russia had been wandering around for hours after dropping Lithuania off in search of Estonia.

"I don't understand. Where could Estonia be…?"

You see, dear readers, Estonia was the only smart brother who realized the big bad Russia always got what he wanted. So he bought a plane ticket and fled the country.

And he lived happily ever after…until the big bad Russia tracked him down…which he did about two days later.

**The end**

"Well? Were you dazzled by my awesome abilities?" Prussia asked with a triumphant grin on his face.

"I feel like you just got bored around the end and said whatever just to finish it." Em-Chan said.

"THAT'S ALWAYSTOMORROWS FAULT! Not mine!" Prussia ranted. "I'd like to see YOU do better."

"Ok." said Em-Chan. "I will."

She then launched herself into her own story.

**Little Douche England**

Once upon a time there was a little douche named England. He was easily irritated and loved to bake.

One day, he heard that his poor little arthritic grandmother had caught a cold and decided to bring her a bag of homemade goodies (read: bag of shit).

But just as he was getting ready to leave the house, his father stopped him.

"Little douche England," he warned, "there's a rumor that a big bad France's been spotted in the area. Be careful."

England's eyes got big.

"A big bad France! Are they dangerous!"

"Er…um…well, lets just say you're not able to walk strait for days if he catches you… Now get going." with that said, England's dad shoved him outside and shut the door.

"Well that was rude. -_-" England said, before walking down the wooded road.

Little douche England had been walking along the path for about half an hour when a tall blond man with (plastic) wolf ears stepped out of a bush and blocked his way.

"Honhonhonhon! Well 'ello there 'ansome. ;{D" he said.

"You're blocking my way!" England said, not liking the rape face the stranger was giving him.

The stranger 'tsk'd .

"Now, now. That's no way to treat a-"

"You're the big bad France. Get lost. -_-" said England.

"Wha? But you didn't even tell me why you're out 'ere!" said the big bad France.

"I'm bringing food to my grandmother." England said, waving his basket around.

"Your grand-mere, eh? So tell me, where does she live…?" the big bad France asked.

"Oh, 2398 Cranberry Lane, right under that big old pine tree at the top of a hill. You can't miss it. It's the only other house in this story." said England.

"_Interesting…_sauté!" the big bad France said, swaging off.

"Weird bloody frog." England mumbled, continuing on his way.

Not long after his run in with the big bad France, little douche England was at his grandmothers house.

"Hey granny! I brought food!" he yelled while banging on the door.

"Honhonhon! Come in my 'ansome grandson." replied England's "grandmother".

"Er…okay."

He opened the door and put the bag of food on the floor.

"Come 'ere little douche, so I can see you clearer." said the grandmother.

"Wow granny, when'd your eyes turn blue? Usually they're brown…" England gave his grandmother the shifty eyes.

"…they're contacts."

"And when you grow stubbles?" England inspected his grandmothers chin.

"Well, you see-"

"And why do you have a French accent?"

The two just stared at each other for a minute.

"Ah ha! It is I, the big bad beautiful France!" the man jumped up and ripped all his close off.

England face: OoO'

"Now come 'ere so I can '_eat' _you! ;D"

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BLOODY WANKER!" England ran around the house with the naked France in hot pursuit.

Just then, the door to the house swung open.

"Yo, Brittan! I woke up in this rad loggers outfit-" the American logger stopped when he noticed what was going on.

"Hey you! That's MY man!"

The logger then took his ax and chopped the big bad Frances hair off.

"That's the SECOND TIME you've done this to me!" France wailed to the narrator.

"Get over yourself." the narrator said back.

Little douche England and the American logger got married and had many little gay babies.

**The end**

"That was lame." mocked Prussia.

"At least my story put a few hobos to sleep." argued Em-Chan, pointing to the sleeping bums.

"Shut up!" screamed Prussia.

"Make me!"

"Well, while those two are arguing, I may as well tell my own story." said Rochelle, "KENZIE! Get the lights!"

Kenzie turned off the lights and turned a spot light on Rochelle.

**The Little Sealand**

Once upon a time, there was a little merman named Sealand.

He lived in the deepest part of the ocean with his father named Pirate!England, his obnoxious flounder friend named America, and his bitchy crab babysitter named France.

"Why do I 'ave to be the crab? =3=" France interrupted _again_.

"Because Sebastian's a French name! Now can it!" the narrator then shoved a sock in Frances mouth.

Anyways, they were all happy, friendly, yada yada.

One day Sealand sneaked away to the surface because he was a rebel and didn't like listening to Pirate!England.

***Static***

"Roch, I love where this is going and all, but I'm not sure we have enough time for this story. We already have eight pages typed." Kenzie butted in.

"SHUTUP KENZIE!" Rochelle bellowed.

"I'm sorry, I just don't think we have the time. And look, everyone's asleep except for us." Kenzie said, pointing out all the unconscious bodies.

"Yeah! Well! Shudup!"

"I can tell a story to put you to sleep!" Kenzie said with a determined face.

"Kenz, that's _really_ not necessary-"

But it was to late. Kenzie had already started her own story.

**Italy and the Beast**

Once upon a time there was a merchant named Rome who lived with his grandson Italy.

One day, Rome had to go do merchant stuff.

"Now Italy. Be a good boy and don't stick your finger in the electric pencil sharpener again while im gone." he cooed.

"Alright grandpa Rome! Be safe!" Italy yelled, watching his grandfather ride away on his horse.

There's something everyone should know about Rome…the man had no sense of direction. Within hours he was desperately lost.

"Maybe if I take a left…or a right…OH! I can just go to that haunted looking mansion!" he said, spotting a (you guessed it) haunted looking mansion.

Just as he was getting ready to enter the place, a tall, blond, German monster stormed out.

"Vhat do you think you're doing trespassing! Get out- AHHHH!"

Another thing everyone should know about Rome, he was an awesome fighter. The minute the monster walked out, Rome went all "Ima whoop yo ass" on him.

He raised a spear, getting ready to kill the German when Italy appeared out of nowhere and threw himself on the monster.

"NOOOO! Nono! I love him!"

***static again***

"KENZIE!" Rochelle screamed.

"Yus?" asked Kenzie.

"Pocahontas did that! It never happened in Beauty and the Beast!" Rochelle spazzed.

"Oh…THE END!" Kenzie said happily.

"But! But!" Rochelle gave up and went to bed.

"Well, this's been fun! Good night everybody-"

Just then a guy high on bath salts jumped through a window and started eating the hobos faces off.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Kenzie.

"THE FUCK!" screamed Prussia.

And so everyone was running around trying to save their faces until Germany shot the druggie.

"See peeps. Drugs are bad." said Em-Chan.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Is there anything else we need to say before we're done?" asked Rochelle.

"Don't think so…" said Kenzie.

"Vell, bye everyone!" yelled Prussia.

**!**


End file.
